I recently took a spiritual gift test that I found online. I found the results very interesting, and very challenging. My highest score was in mercy showing! Some of you may find that funny, especially those of you who know me well or have known me long enough to have seen quite the opposite behavior from me :) whether directed at yourself or someone else. It was interesting though because the description of what mercy showers are like really described me well (again, not always, due to my sinful nature). I felt challenged by this because whether the test was accurate or not, I felt compelled to really examine myself and think about how I am or am not showing mercy to others day to day and staying true to who I believe God has and is calling me to be as Mandy, wife to Eric, mom to Cohen, sister to Bryan, co worker and caregiver to many, etc. Ironically, I am actually reading the book whats so amazing about grace. Slowly but surely I am really getting into some challenging stuff there as well, and all pertaining to the showing mercy/giving grace and forgiveness to others theme. I have these fleeting thoughts from time to time about what I can do on behalf of the orphaned children of the world. The thoughts and dreams range from educating others in some form to adopting again to ministering to birthparents to lots of other ideas.... but dreams seem to be short lived with me and I decide that someone else will do it, or that I don't have the gifts or ability to do anything. I was reading today on Rebekah's blog, a girl who comments on our posts from time to time and is also on a journey to adopt. I appreciate her perspective so much:

"I am excited for motherhood and all that comes with. I am excited we are walking the path less chosen and that we are part of the solution and no longer ignoring the problem. I am excited for the voice God has passioned in me to bring change. I am excited that we get to shake heaven and earth to make a difference in the life of one…someday two…and maybe three…"

I guess all this rambling about the random thoughts in my head are being put on this blog about adoption because I really feel that my heart has been changed and passioned as Rebekah says to bring about a difference for the orphaned, even if only for Cohen, but I am feeling that it won't be just for him that change comes. I pray that I begin to really develop and put to use the gifts God has given me, even if not perfectly. I pray that I not be idle just because. I have seen God do great things in my life and can look at His word for proof that He uses the ordinary to do extraordinary things, so why not me?

new transportation options...

Well, I just had to share these new pics from tonight... Cohen is rolling, quickly, from one end of the room to the other and looks up at you and smiles like he knows that he is moving himself to where he wants to go....so so fun! With Daddy back at work, they get some great play time in at night, too!

4 months

Well, the 4 month birthday has come and gone....and way too quickly!!! July 20th, Cohen was 4 months old. He weighed 17 1b, 3 oz, and was 26 inches long. He is rolling all over the place now and is much more aware of EVERYTHING around him! We started giving some solid food a few weeks ago and he did great with it! We got one of those excersaucer/jumper contraptions last week and Cohen is loving that as well...as you can tell in the picture, he got a little tired in it. This picture of him asleep in it was today. He has been congested with a little cough and of course I feel like a bad mom letting my boy get a cold! but he has been really off today. He can't quite get to sleep because he can't suck his thumb because he can't breathe through his nose (he told me all this) and so he gets soooo frustrated. It's pitiful, really.

Today was Eric's first day back to work for the school year and my first official day back at home with him! I never thought I'd be so happy to have a summer come to an end. I will say, though, that I am really enjoying my work and am really feeling thankful that I am able to just pick up shifts as infrequently as I am planning in order to be at home with my boy all but 4-6 days per month. Also, I was able to work 3 days a week this summer and save up some good money, and still be with Cohen and Eric the other 4 days. It's been a great summer; definitely the best one yet.

So, no teeth yet, but I am convinced they are coming soon with all the sweet drool and biting things that is going on in our house these days. Daddy is wanting to cut our boy's hair already and I am protesting like you've never seen. We are combing through his pretty curls a few times a day to keep it from getting knotted and to keep it soft, but it's worth it cause it's too cute! Life is pretty much great here and we hope you are all doing well.

Termination day...

As of today around 4pm, all parental rights were terminated. It was funny when Carolyn called to let us know the hearing was complete and rights were terminated, before I knew why she was calling I felt a small sense of panic, fear, anxiety....'what does she want???, is something wrong???' I haven't felt the least bit of any of those emotions at all the entire time we have had him home with us. I just have had a peace about it from the beginning. But that fear jumped right up in my throat and in my heart for about 2 or 3 seconds until I heard her say, "all parental rights are now terminated, just wanted to let you know you can breathe now." I am pointing out this brief moment of fear only to say that I am so incredibly thankful for Peace that passes all understanding. I am thankful that we were brought Peace by the Holy Spirit, enabling us to love Cohen without hesitation, no holding back, just as he needs and just as we have been entrusted to do. If I had the feelings that I had for a few seconds today, the entire time we have had him, I fear I may have been hesitant. But God, though I am undeserving, sent His Peace that passes all understanding.

While I am so thrilled that the legalities are over as far as other potential parents to Cohen, my heart feels some heaviness for him. Eric and I wake up each day to a smiling, jabbering, sweet smelling, beautiful, bright baby boy and it feels like and we believe that he is ours just as much as any boy or girl we could've conceived. We couldn't be happier or more blessed. But today is a reminder that reality for him will not be perfect or necessarily easy. I am reminded though, that life on earth his not perfect or necessarily easy either and that is why we need a Savior. So the heaviness in my heart for the pain he may endure in the future is entrusted to my Savior and I look forward to the days ahead that we have to love on Cohen, hopefully portraying a hint of the love Christ has for him. I hope to have this heaviness though, as a reminder not to be sad for Cohen but to pray for him and to be tender to him and sensitive to what he needs as he grows. I love that God created emotions that we can feel when things are good, bad, happy, sad, right and wrong. I am learning not to always assume that a feeling like I had today of heaviness in my heart is negative or something that I need to get rid of, but that it keeps me praying, keeps reminding me of my need and of the needs of others.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers regarding the legal side of the adoption.

Florida trip!

Well, Cohen was perfect on our trip to Destin, of course! I was a little worried about the trip there and back, but he did wonderful! No crying, no fussing, although I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. While we were there, he went out to the beach under a big tent we had thanks to pops and JuJu. The weather was so much cooler than normal, I thought, because of the rain and a cool front that came through, so that made it tolerable for Cohen and Houston( my sister in law's little boy) to come out for a while. Eric was so sweet and really allowed me to get some time on the beach several of the days. He played golf a couple of times and just hung out with cohen the rest of the time. Cohen just watched the fireworks in amazement. When the were louder he jumped a little, but overall seemed to be enjoying himself. It was a great relaxation trip and am so thankful we were able to go. So here are some pictures...I'll put on as many as I can. Oh yeah, new thing Cohen is doing....He rolls over from his back to his stomach and then back to his back again! We are so proud! He also likes to hold his own bottle and play with it when he decides he is full.... cute but a little frustrating at times! He still sleeps really well, through the night and is just doing well in general. I weighed him yesterday and he was 16.4 lbs! My boy is getting big. So here he is.....

Well, we are back from Florida and it was back to work for me as soon as we got back....(don't ask me why I scheduled myself for 3 days in a row RIGHT when we got back...wasn't thinking) and we had a great trip. I plan to post pics and tell you more about Cohen in the next blog. I just wanted to post real quick and say that we have no indication that any legal father activity went on tuesday, so thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate you so much. Next Tuesday is the termination of parental rights hearing. We are not worried about this at all, but it still will be nice to have it all behind us! I'll be posting again soon, I promise, with pics and about our florida trip for all who is interested! In closing I will quote Eric from our convo last night, "Cohen is the most awesome kid in the whole world! Life is so good. God is so good." Our hearts are continually thankful to God for the opportunity to parent this baby boy!

Post placement visit #2

We had our second post placement visit this week with Bethany. The first one was when Cohen was only a few days old. Basically, Carolyn comes out and checks in with us. We talk about what Cohen is doing, how he sleeps and eats, what his disposition and personality is like and how he is changing. I am not sure what Carolyn's part of it is, but it always seems to go smoothly and feels easy, and we get no negative feedback, so I guess no news is good news! Cohen and I stopped by the Bethany office in Nashville last week to take our monthly pictures and letter/update for "E", should she decide to see them. I wonder how she is doing. I hear from the birthparent counselor who has a relationship with her that she is okay. We have requested a picture of her and of Cohen's half brother and sister so that he can have that as he gets older. Hopefully she will be okay with that. I think that would be special for him. I must confess something...I am really not that great about remembering to pray for E as far as her relationship with our family goes, and I really don't know why I forget. I really hope that she decides one day to know him. I know that the day will come when Cohen is so aware and will want to know her and about his situation. I would want to know. Eric and I were talking just last night about how much we hurt already for him and want to stop any pain that may come his way. It is an indescribable feeling. However, we know that we can't. It is a real situation, with real circumstances that just are painful and no doubt, will be difficult for Cohen to understand. He may not ever understand and that fact, again, is just reality in this world and a reality that I need to be praying for now. If any of yall pray for Cohen and Eric and I, please remember this important aspect of our lives. I am thankful though, that we can rest in knowing that God is in control. He has orchestrated this all from the beginning. He knows what is best for Cohen. I believe in the same way that He has cared for Cohen so far, he will in this situation, too. I don't know what is best, only God does and I choose His plans over mine!!! All this rambling on and I really just wanted to say that my heart for "E" continues to grow, my heart for Cohen is overwhelmingly huge and this whole chapter of my life is just truly been made amazing by the work and hand of God in my life. Praise God for Cohen!!!!

We are leaving for vacation in the morning and we are so pumped, its not even funny! We'll have great pics, no doubt, for the blog with the new camera when we return and I'm sure i'll be anxious to share them!!! I am hoping to get some good reading time in and just some quality time and relaxation before we get ready to start back up with Eric back to work pretty shortly after we get back.

Some important court dates coming up:

• Tuesday, July 8th will be the "appearance hearing" for the legal father. We don't expect to hear anything from anyone on that as far as the actual legal father goes, but still.... pray for that day that there will be no legal activity going on!
• Tuesday, July 15th will be the termination of the legal father's rights day. Please pray that we will have peace through this. Pray for peace for E especially.