As of today around 4pm, all parental rights were terminated. It was funny when Carolyn called to let us know the hearing was complete and rights were terminated, before I knew why she was calling I felt a small sense of panic, fear, anxiety....'what does she want???, is something wrong???' I haven't felt the least bit of any of those emotions at all the entire time we have had him home with us. I just have had a peace about it from the beginning. But that fear jumped right up in my throat and in my heart for about 2 or 3 seconds until I heard her say, "all parental rights are now terminated, just wanted to let you know you can breathe now." I am pointing out this brief moment of fear only to say that I am so incredibly thankful for Peace that passes all understanding. I am thankful that we were brought Peace by the Holy Spirit, enabling us to love Cohen without hesitation, no holding back, just as he needs and just as we have been entrusted to do. If I had the feelings that I had for a few seconds today, the entire time we have had him, I fear I may have been hesitant. But God, though I am undeserving, sent His Peace that passes all understanding.
While I am so thrilled that the legalities are over as far as other potential parents to Cohen, my heart feels some heaviness for him. Eric and I wake up each day to a smiling, jabbering, sweet smelling, beautiful, bright baby boy and it feels like and we believe that he is ours just as much as any boy or girl we could've conceived. We couldn't be happier or more blessed. But today is a reminder that reality for him will not be perfect or necessarily easy. I am reminded though, that life on earth his not perfect or necessarily easy either and that is why we need a Savior. So the heaviness in my heart for the pain he may endure in the future is entrusted to my Savior and I look forward to the days ahead that we have to love on Cohen, hopefully portraying a hint of the love Christ has for him. I hope to have this heaviness though, as a reminder not to be sad for Cohen but to pray for him and to be tender to him and sensitive to what he needs as he grows. I love that God created emotions that we can feel when things are good, bad, happy, sad, right and wrong. I am learning not to always assume that a feeling like I had today of heaviness in my heart is negative or something that I need to get rid of, but that it keeps me praying, keeps reminding me of my need and of the needs of others.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers regarding the legal side of the adoption.