Wednesday, October 3, 2007

grace that is soooo enough

Praise the Lord, our paperwork is finished!!! Woo-hoo!!! We actually hand delivered our precious package to the Bethany office ourselves yesterday. We had an infertility consultation/interview. We are so relieved to have that behind us, however, kinda nervous because that seems to make everything so much closer now. In reality, there are several more things that have to happen before we are placed in the waiting family pool. It just seems that since the paperwork was the only part of this whole thing that we really controlled the timing of, that now it's out of our hands. I am so freaked out when I think of suddenly having an infant in my home that I am responsible for. Pregnant people have 9 months to prepare for it all. I want to start getting prepared, so that I am not just crazy when we are chosen. But after going through disappointment after disappointment with our infertility, I feel that I should protect my heart somewhat, and not get ahead of myself or of God. If it is a year before we bring our baby home, I really don't want to be sitting around counting the days until then. So please pray for us that we can find a healthy balance in this.

Talking about our infertility journey again was good, but I don't want to do it anymore! no, just kidding. It was very validating for me. I was encouraged that our feelings of loss, grief, jealousy, sadness, anger, confusion, resentment....all are and were normal. It was really hard to be reminded of the reality that those feelings are not gone from our lives regarding infertility just because we are adopting. It was hard to hear her say that we may even experience some of these emotions despite our new baby being home. It was hard, I think, because I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. Sometimes, I do not like God's plan for my life, at least not at first, I don't. But if anything has come of this struggle, for me, it is that I have found joy in it. Not so much happiness and fun at all times, but contentment with the Lord and trusting that He is working all things for the good of those who love him. I may have said this before, but for possibly the first time in my life, I have found myself in a place of despair, weakness, sorrow, and actually been able to praise God through it. Not ever perfectly, of course. We were at church several weeks ago singing that song Blessed be the name of the lord that they play on wayfm ALL the time. Heard it a million times, but this time, I was singing it and my heart just was arrested again, like it was when he first led us down this path. For once, while in what felt like total darkness, I still really believed that God is there, and real, and intimate and IN CONTROL, and I was so, so glad.

I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. But, by His grace, my heart is slowly learning to like His plan. And the crazy part about it all is that His grace meets me right where I am, never changes...ever, and is completely free.

1 comment:

The Barfield's said...

mandy girl, you have got to put this into book form. i read your posts and they either bring tears to my eyes (like today) or laughter to my lips (like the image of eric beat boxing like blake!--even though I only met him briefly i can somehow picture it!) you have a gift for putting your feelings into words that can touch others. i am positive i am not the only one who feels this way when reading what you share. you are in my prayers. what a difficult but rewarding journey you are on! i have a dear dear friend who has been down a similar road and i thought the name bethany sounded familiar. so i asked if it was the same people they dealt with and it was. she asked for your blog address b/c i told her how touching it was and i hope you don't mind my giving it to her. the point of my telling you this is that at this moment they are packing up and leaving a children's ministry job in southaven, mississippi and moving to asheville, north carolina to begin setting up a home for unwed mothers. God has led them to this point thru very hard circumstances, hard for them to experience, hard for me as a friend to sit by and watch and not know how to help, but they would never have gotten to this point without the 'blessing' of infertility and going thru 2 adoptions. God has a GREAT plan for both of you and I can't wait to see what it is! I consider it a blessing to know you and be able to watch you grow and mature even though it is definitely from a distance. I'll be following your adventure.....

"He upholds the cause of the oppressed...He sustains the fatherless and the widow" -psalm 146:7&9