Praise the Lord, our paperwork is finished!!! Woo-hoo!!! We actually hand delivered our precious package to the Bethany office ourselves yesterday. We had an infertility consultation/interview. We are so relieved to have that behind us, however, kinda nervous because that seems to make everything so much closer now. In reality, there are several more things that have to happen before we are placed in the waiting family pool. It just seems that since the paperwork was the only part of this whole thing that we really controlled the timing of, that now it's out of our hands. I am so freaked out when I think of suddenly having an infant in my home that I am responsible for. Pregnant people have 9 months to prepare for it all. I want to start getting prepared, so that I am not just crazy when we are chosen. But after going through disappointment after disappointment with our infertility, I feel that I should protect my heart somewhat, and not get ahead of myself or of God. If it is a year before we bring our baby home, I really don't want to be sitting around counting the days until then. So please pray for us that we can find a healthy balance in this.
Talking about our infertility journey again was good, but I don't want to do it anymore! no, just kidding. It was very validating for me. I was encouraged that our feelings of loss, grief, jealousy, sadness, anger, confusion, resentment....all are and were normal. It was really hard to be reminded of the reality that those feelings are not gone from our lives regarding infertility just because we are adopting. It was hard to hear her say that we may even experience some of these emotions despite our new baby being home. It was hard, I think, because I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. Sometimes, I do not like God's plan for my life, at least not at first, I don't. But if anything has come of this struggle, for me, it is that I have found joy in it. Not so much happiness and fun at all times, but contentment with the Lord and trusting that He is working all things for the good of those who love him. I may have said this before, but for possibly the first time in my life, I have found myself in a place of despair, weakness, sorrow, and actually been able to praise God through it. Not ever perfectly, of course. We were at church several weeks ago singing that song Blessed be the name of the lord that they play on wayfm ALL the time. Heard it a million times, but this time, I was singing it and my heart just was arrested again, like it was when he first led us down this path. For once, while in what felt like total darkness, I still really believed that God is there, and real, and intimate and IN CONTROL, and I was so, so glad.
I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. But, by His grace, my heart is slowly learning to like His plan. And the crazy part about it all is that His grace meets me right where I am, never changes...ever, and is completely free.