Sunday, February 3, 2008

names

I walked in to room 9 in the ER on Saturday afternoon to find my patient, a fairly young woman, who was moaning, rolling in bed, and having a petrified look on her face. She appeared to be in a huge amount of pain....but only every few minutes...and here is what followed...
me- "what's hurting you?"
her-"my stomach!"
me-"show me where..." she pulls back her blanket and I find a large belly...
she says- "no one knows, but................I'm pregnant........."
me- "when was your last period?"
her- "i don't know"
me- "2 or 3 months, 6 or 9 months...?"
her- "could've been 9............"
my mouth drops a little, doctor walks in about this time. He checks her and she is dilated to 9 and fully effaced......still hurting every few minutes.... wow, she is about to have a baby.....
her "what's happening, why am I hurting?"
me " you are about to give birth!"
she suddenly looks MORE terrified than she already is....
her"get it out!"
me "baby, I can't, we need to get you to labor and delivery so you can deliver your baby.
can i call anyone for you?"
her- "there is no one to call, and no one knows....when can I leave?"
my mouth drops a little more.
me- "i don't know, probably tomorrow...."
and then the dreaded question... "are you planning to keep the baby?"
and the dreaded answer.... "no"
me "have you made a plan for the baby?"
the even more dreaded answer, "no"
my mouth is now on the floor.
It honestly took all I had in me not to say, 'it's gonna be okay, we'll take it"
I didn't, but wanted to.
I immediately begin to roll her upstairs, fairly quickly, since this baby was coming and we did NOT want to deliver it in the ER. on the way up, her water breaks and and so i begin to run down the hall, her moaning and hurting, and probably holding on for her life. I got her in to L&D, and no sooner than I was walking back down the hall with an empty stretcher, I began to sob. What in the world just happened? Did a girl really just tell me she doesn't have a plan for her baby, but she doesn't want it??? And did I really have to be the one to be her nurse? Why am I crying? Why am I all the sudden so effected by this again? I have been fine for a while about infertility and about letting other people's circumstances and choices have an effect on my emotional state. Here is this girl who has an unplanned pregnancy, so ashamed of it that she's told no one and wanting to get away from there as soon as possible. I say these things only to communicate what MY emotions were. Let me say that I do not know her situation and don't know what circumstances her pregnancy happened under, and frankly I am not willing to pass judgement on her for her situation or decisions for any reason. So that's clear.... It was difficult to be in this place, I kept thinking in my head, "I am right here, with open arms" While I was sad for myself and Eric and for our infertility and desire to be parents, I found myself being more sad for this child. I cannot stop thinking about him/her in the hospital all alone, no mommy, no daddy..... no name. I found out later that the baby came very shortly after she arrived and was healthy as far as they could tell....praise God!!! I don't think mom stayed.

I have hesitated to write about this. I just feel so burdened for that little child. I know that I can trust God in His plans for me and Eric. I know that I can pray for that child and I will continue to. I can pray for that mom, who may or may not know exactly what she has done. I have since then decided that picking a name for our child to be is so important. Not for the meaning, or how it will sound with our last name, or how it will be spelled or any of that. Just that he or she will have a name. More importantly someone to take care of him/her who cares enough to give a name. My previous entries have elluded to the fact that I do not believe that all birth parents do not love their children. I believe they do in many cases. I am only saying that orphans need care, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption are/were. They need love. They need a name, like Adam gave the animals and his wife names in the beginning. And like God has given me a new name in His gift of salvation. So, although you may all be feeling this post is soooo random, and it may very well sound jumbled and unclear. I have experience another of many events that will cause me to think, to hurt, to reflect, to have joy. I am thankful that I can still feel and have not become hardened. I am thankful for adoption and for names and plan to get to work on finding one for our child.

10 comments:

Karen said...

I just cannot express my heart for you. I hurt so much thinking about you being in that situation but at the same time know that God is blessing you by it. I will pray for that sweet child as well, knowing that there is another mommy and daddy just like you and Eric waiting for their little one and that baby that you helped will too have a "name."

oh yeah and I watched the video from your last post and it was so good...would love to talk to you more about it when we do dinner:):)

Campus Ministers said...

I am glad you wrote this! God's Mercy is rich and His adoption is eternal!

Anonymous said...

It is amazing to me how much God is preparing you for your child. It seems like you have been in so many situations that many people don't go through because of where you work. You have seen the ins and outs of what happens, sometimes, before the adoption process begins. It is so awesome to hear your attitude behind this and your heart during the situation. I can not imagine being there and not wanting to scream, "give me this child!!!" I love to see and hear what God is doing DAILY in your lives!!! love you.court

Anonymous said...

As we wait for anything, it is hard to stay in perspective. Especially for something you have planned for, prayed for, and thought about for a while.

Time is an odd thing, isn't it? It has an affect on everything we do. I remember when I was trying to decide when the right 'time' was to ask your mom to marry me. Timing is crucial....sometimes. :)

But time passes, and while it is perfectly normal to question timing, it can make situations more difficult. And, while we can be assured in God's timing, His timing is not always what we think it should be either. For example, when close friends die young, we ask why becuase it does not make sense to us.

Time is the eternal question. Why did God choose to do a specific thing at this time? Or, did God in fact, cause something to happen, even though it was a very bad happening, at a very terrible time? While this very question plagues most of christianity right now (and most likely will until the end of time), there are lessons we can learn from the passing of time, and how we live our lives.

Ecclesiates 3:1 reads:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. The writer goes on to quote activities that will come our way. Life's issues and pressures. As he looks at life from a human standpoint, Ecclesiates wrestles with the question of 'timing'. And comes to understand that we are to accept God's Blessings, and obey his commands. And we find meaning in that life.

While it is impossible to understand God's timing, or how events occur and God's sovereignty, it is possible to accept life, enjoy life as God gives it, and be obedient to His Word. I heard a preacher say recently that it is 'not the parts of the Bible that I do not understand that give me trouble, it is the parts I do understand.'

By God's will, someday soon you will watch your child grow. And then you will watch your child mature. Sometimes that maturity your children display, especially when they are more mature than you are in some areas, will make you swell with joy. It will give you the Blessing of parenting, and a slight insight into patience.

Time...is a funny thing. We all learn from it...enjoy the learning. It will help you later.

You and Eric make us all Blessed beyond measure!
Dad

*~JESSIE~* said...

What a difficult situation to be in. I'll be praying your little one comes to you soon.

megan said...

I can't imagine how difficult that would be to go through I am sorry. Its hard waiting for that child who is ment to be yours.

(aunt) Leslie said...

I don't think this post is random at all. What you said about the importance of a name is so true. I'm studying about the Israelites in the wilderness right now. Every time God showed them something or did something new they gave Him a different name.

Great insight!
Love,
Leslie

Natalie Henman said...

I found your blog today. Hubby and I are on the waiting list to adopt - we are from South Africa.

I cried while reading your post. I feel so bad for you that you had to witness a lady not wanting her baby.

I will definitely be a regular visitor to your blog and keep you in my prayers and thoughts

Charne Trollip said...

I cannot imagine how much it hurt and what you went through seeing that lady in labour and not wanting her baby... thinking of you and hoping you blessed with your little one soon

Yoka said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I can imagine that you wanted to keep the baby. I don't know whether I would have been able not to ask her if she wanted us to take care of her baby for her... What a strange situation...

"He upholds the cause of the oppressed...He sustains the fatherless and the widow" -psalm 146:7&9