I walked in to room 9 in the ER on Saturday afternoon to find my patient, a fairly young woman, who was moaning, rolling in bed, and having a petrified look on her face. She appeared to be in a huge amount of pain....but only every few minutes...and here is what followed...
me- "what's hurting you?"
me-"show me where..." she pulls back her blanket and I find a large belly...
she says- "no one knows, but................I'm pregnant........."
me- "when was your last period?"
her- "i don't know"
me- "2 or 3 months, 6 or 9 months...?"
her- "could've been 9............"
my mouth drops a little, doctor walks in about this time. He checks her and she is dilated to 9 and fully effaced......still hurting every few minutes.... wow, she is about to have a baby.....
her "what's happening, why am I hurting?"
me " you are about to give birth!"
she suddenly looks MORE terrified than she already is....
her"get it out!"
me "baby, I can't, we need to get you to labor and delivery so you can deliver your baby.
can i call anyone for you?"
her- "there is no one to call, and no one knows....when can I leave?"
my mouth drops a little more.
me- "i don't know, probably tomorrow...."
and then the dreaded question... "are you planning to keep the baby?"
and the dreaded answer.... "no"
me "have you made a plan for the baby?"
the even more dreaded answer, "no"
my mouth is now on the floor.
It honestly took all I had in me not to say, 'it's gonna be okay, we'll take it"
I didn't, but wanted to.
I immediately begin to roll her upstairs, fairly quickly, since this baby was coming and we did NOT want to deliver it in the ER. on the way up, her water breaks and and so i begin to run down the hall, her moaning and hurting, and probably holding on for her life. I got her in to L&D, and no sooner than I was walking back down the hall with an empty stretcher, I began to sob. What in the world just happened? Did a girl really just tell me she doesn't have a plan for her baby, but she doesn't want it??? And did I really have to be the one to be her nurse? Why am I crying? Why am I all the sudden so effected by this again? I have been fine for a while about infertility and about letting other people's circumstances and choices have an effect on my emotional state. Here is this girl who has an unplanned pregnancy, so ashamed of it that she's told no one and wanting to get away from there as soon as possible. I say these things only to communicate what MY emotions were. Let me say that I do not know her situation and don't know what circumstances her pregnancy happened under, and frankly I am not willing to pass judgement on her for her situation or decisions for any reason. So that's clear.... It was difficult to be in this place, I kept thinking in my head, "I am right here, with open arms" While I was sad for myself and Eric and for our infertility and desire to be parents, I found myself being more sad for this child. I cannot stop thinking about him/her in the hospital all alone, no mommy, no daddy..... no name. I found out later that the baby came very shortly after she arrived and was healthy as far as they could tell....praise God!!! I don't think mom stayed.
I have hesitated to write about this. I just feel so burdened for that little child. I know that I can trust God in His plans for me and Eric. I know that I can pray for that child and I will continue to. I can pray for that mom, who may or may not know exactly what she has done. I have since then decided that picking a name for our child to be is so important. Not for the meaning, or how it will sound with our last name, or how it will be spelled or any of that. Just that he or she will have a name. More importantly someone to take care of him/her who cares enough to give a name. My previous entries have elluded to the fact that I do not believe that all birth parents do not love their children. I believe they do in many cases. I am only saying that orphans need care, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption are/were. They need love. They need a name, like Adam gave the animals and his wife names in the beginning. And like God has given me a new name in His gift of salvation. So, although you may all be feeling this post is soooo random, and it may very well sound jumbled and unclear. I have experience another of many events that will cause me to think, to hurt, to reflect, to have joy. I am thankful that I can still feel and have not become hardened. I am thankful for adoption and for names and plan to get to work on finding one for our child.