As some of you may already have heard, we were chosen as the prospective adoptive parents of a healthy african american infant who is due to enter this world March 16th,2008!!! Praise be to God! We got a call Monday before last that our profile would be shown to a caucasian woman expecting a healthy caucasian child. We were so excited, but seriously shocked that after only 5 weeks of waiting we were being shown to a white mom. I have so prepared my heart and my mind for my little black or biracial child, since these are so much more commonly shown to families who are open to either race, early on. We agreed to be shown, only to get a call last friday (just 5 days after getting the first call) that we were going to also be shown to another expectant mother who is from Ethiopia. We are now even more in shock that 2 moms are viewing our profile! We were so encouraged and excited just to be shown at this point in our wait! We waited all weekend to hear something on Monday. Monday came and no calls. Tuesday came and the call did come. The white mom had not chosen us. She had decided to go with an independent family (one not with Bethany). Surprisingly we were so let down. I really never had a great feeling about the first situation, but was just chalking it up to being nervous. But somehow, even though we were pretty prepared that it wouldn't happen this time, disappointment was so thick and heavy. We talked a little, sat in silence a little more, and cried some too. I don't think it was about this specific situation that we were sad, it was just about the potential of having a child in our home, finally, and then having that potential stiffled. We really were so sad. Wednesday at work was a half day for me, and I got another call. It was Carolyn. I thought, 'oh, i'll just take the call really quick, I'm sure she is gonna say that we weren't chosen this time, but maybe next time.' After all, it HAS only been 5 weeks....I can find more patience than that! "Mandy...can you talk?" "Yes............" "I'm calling to tell you that you and Eric have been chosen as adoptive parents for an african american baby due on March 16th!!!" "WHAT!!!!!!" I literally screamed in the phone. And then, just 12 short hours later, I am crying tears of joy, at the news of our becoming parents to our much loved, much wanted, much anticipated child!!! I finally was able to get home to tell Eric in person, and guys.... I have never ever seen him so real, so vulnerable, so sweet and tender. He just cried in my arms and we just were literally floating. He kept saying, 'I'm just so happy...so, so happy!' It was an amazing day. I loved Wednesday. Wednesday's used to always be my favorite day, cause we got to go to Wed night church, which I loved. It was again a great day. So there will be much more to come. Please be praying for us on Friday morning. We will be meeting the birth mother. Pray for her and for her unborn child.
While we are ecstatic, please also be praying for a certain amount of God's protection over our hearts. We want to enjoy this time of anticipation and excitement, but also know that all we are doing at this point is giving her a choice in the midst of her unplanned pregnancy. Although she has chosen to make a plan for adoption for her child with us, she is still this baby's momma and will be needing lots of peace and wisdom and clarity for decisions she will be making very soon. Please, please, please, I am pleading with you that if you don't pray another time for us or haven't yet, pray for this special woman who has chosen life for her child. She is in a place that I can not pretend to understand and I do not envy her. Every person is created in God's image and deserves love, respect and dignity. Our hope and desire is that we can be used by God to minister to her in some way through this difficult situation... no matter the outcome. So please.....pray.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
names
I walked in to room 9 in the ER on Saturday afternoon to find my patient, a fairly young woman, who was moaning, rolling in bed, and having a petrified look on her face. She appeared to be in a huge amount of pain....but only every few minutes...and here is what followed...
me- "what's hurting you?"
her-"my stomach!"
me-"show me where..." she pulls back her blanket and I find a large belly...
she says- "no one knows, but................I'm pregnant........."
me- "when was your last period?"
her- "i don't know"
me- "2 or 3 months, 6 or 9 months...?"
her- "could've been 9............"
my mouth drops a little, doctor walks in about this time. He checks her and she is dilated to 9 and fully effaced......still hurting every few minutes.... wow, she is about to have a baby.....
her "what's happening, why am I hurting?"
me " you are about to give birth!"
she suddenly looks MORE terrified than she already is....
her"get it out!"
me "baby, I can't, we need to get you to labor and delivery so you can deliver your baby.
can i call anyone for you?"
her- "there is no one to call, and no one knows....when can I leave?"
my mouth drops a little more.
me- "i don't know, probably tomorrow...."
and then the dreaded question... "are you planning to keep the baby?"
and the dreaded answer.... "no"
me "have you made a plan for the baby?"
the even more dreaded answer, "no"
my mouth is now on the floor.
It honestly took all I had in me not to say, 'it's gonna be okay, we'll take it"
I didn't, but wanted to.
I immediately begin to roll her upstairs, fairly quickly, since this baby was coming and we did NOT want to deliver it in the ER. on the way up, her water breaks and and so i begin to run down the hall, her moaning and hurting, and probably holding on for her life. I got her in to L&D, and no sooner than I was walking back down the hall with an empty stretcher, I began to sob. What in the world just happened? Did a girl really just tell me she doesn't have a plan for her baby, but she doesn't want it??? And did I really have to be the one to be her nurse? Why am I crying? Why am I all the sudden so effected by this again? I have been fine for a while about infertility and about letting other people's circumstances and choices have an effect on my emotional state. Here is this girl who has an unplanned pregnancy, so ashamed of it that she's told no one and wanting to get away from there as soon as possible. I say these things only to communicate what MY emotions were. Let me say that I do not know her situation and don't know what circumstances her pregnancy happened under, and frankly I am not willing to pass judgement on her for her situation or decisions for any reason. So that's clear.... It was difficult to be in this place, I kept thinking in my head, "I am right here, with open arms" While I was sad for myself and Eric and for our infertility and desire to be parents, I found myself being more sad for this child. I cannot stop thinking about him/her in the hospital all alone, no mommy, no daddy..... no name. I found out later that the baby came very shortly after she arrived and was healthy as far as they could tell....praise God!!! I don't think mom stayed.
I have hesitated to write about this. I just feel so burdened for that little child. I know that I can trust God in His plans for me and Eric. I know that I can pray for that child and I will continue to. I can pray for that mom, who may or may not know exactly what she has done. I have since then decided that picking a name for our child to be is so important. Not for the meaning, or how it will sound with our last name, or how it will be spelled or any of that. Just that he or she will have a name. More importantly someone to take care of him/her who cares enough to give a name. My previous entries have elluded to the fact that I do not believe that all birth parents do not love their children. I believe they do in many cases. I am only saying that orphans need care, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption are/were. They need love. They need a name, like Adam gave the animals and his wife names in the beginning. And like God has given me a new name in His gift of salvation. So, although you may all be feeling this post is soooo random, and it may very well sound jumbled and unclear. I have experience another of many events that will cause me to think, to hurt, to reflect, to have joy. I am thankful that I can still feel and have not become hardened. I am thankful for adoption and for names and plan to get to work on finding one for our child.
me- "what's hurting you?"
her-"my stomach!"
me-"show me where..." she pulls back her blanket and I find a large belly...
she says- "no one knows, but................I'm pregnant........."
me- "when was your last period?"
her- "i don't know"
me- "2 or 3 months, 6 or 9 months...?"
her- "could've been 9............"
my mouth drops a little, doctor walks in about this time. He checks her and she is dilated to 9 and fully effaced......still hurting every few minutes.... wow, she is about to have a baby.....
her "what's happening, why am I hurting?"
me " you are about to give birth!"
she suddenly looks MORE terrified than she already is....
her"get it out!"
me "baby, I can't, we need to get you to labor and delivery so you can deliver your baby.
can i call anyone for you?"
her- "there is no one to call, and no one knows....when can I leave?"
my mouth drops a little more.
me- "i don't know, probably tomorrow...."
and then the dreaded question... "are you planning to keep the baby?"
and the dreaded answer.... "no"
me "have you made a plan for the baby?"
the even more dreaded answer, "no"
my mouth is now on the floor.
It honestly took all I had in me not to say, 'it's gonna be okay, we'll take it"
I didn't, but wanted to.
I immediately begin to roll her upstairs, fairly quickly, since this baby was coming and we did NOT want to deliver it in the ER. on the way up, her water breaks and and so i begin to run down the hall, her moaning and hurting, and probably holding on for her life. I got her in to L&D, and no sooner than I was walking back down the hall with an empty stretcher, I began to sob. What in the world just happened? Did a girl really just tell me she doesn't have a plan for her baby, but she doesn't want it??? And did I really have to be the one to be her nurse? Why am I crying? Why am I all the sudden so effected by this again? I have been fine for a while about infertility and about letting other people's circumstances and choices have an effect on my emotional state. Here is this girl who has an unplanned pregnancy, so ashamed of it that she's told no one and wanting to get away from there as soon as possible. I say these things only to communicate what MY emotions were. Let me say that I do not know her situation and don't know what circumstances her pregnancy happened under, and frankly I am not willing to pass judgement on her for her situation or decisions for any reason. So that's clear.... It was difficult to be in this place, I kept thinking in my head, "I am right here, with open arms" While I was sad for myself and Eric and for our infertility and desire to be parents, I found myself being more sad for this child. I cannot stop thinking about him/her in the hospital all alone, no mommy, no daddy..... no name. I found out later that the baby came very shortly after she arrived and was healthy as far as they could tell....praise God!!! I don't think mom stayed.
I have hesitated to write about this. I just feel so burdened for that little child. I know that I can trust God in His plans for me and Eric. I know that I can pray for that child and I will continue to. I can pray for that mom, who may or may not know exactly what she has done. I have since then decided that picking a name for our child to be is so important. Not for the meaning, or how it will sound with our last name, or how it will be spelled or any of that. Just that he or she will have a name. More importantly someone to take care of him/her who cares enough to give a name. My previous entries have elluded to the fact that I do not believe that all birth parents do not love their children. I believe they do in many cases. I am only saying that orphans need care, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption are/were. They need love. They need a name, like Adam gave the animals and his wife names in the beginning. And like God has given me a new name in His gift of salvation. So, although you may all be feeling this post is soooo random, and it may very well sound jumbled and unclear. I have experience another of many events that will cause me to think, to hurt, to reflect, to have joy. I am thankful that I can still feel and have not become hardened. I am thankful for adoption and for names and plan to get to work on finding one for our child.
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