God is so faithful to me, in every cirmcumstance in my life! When I was sixteen and making plans for the rest of my life, like sixteen year olds do, I never would have dreamed that I would be dealing with an indefinite period of infertility at 25 years old. I expected to be married with at child right now, being a mom, which is all I ever really wanted to do. But, of course, nothing ever turns out just like we think it will. And, I am finding that in most cases, I am glad my plans don't supercede God's. The past year has been difficult, emotionally, for Eric and I. We learned 3 or 4 months ago that we would have to do invitro-fertilization in order to conceive a child ( atleast according to our doctor.) I am starting my blog with this post because I think it is important in our journey of adoption. I know that this is so long, but like I said, it is vital in understanding where we are presently, for you to see where we've been.
Learning that we are infertile has been the most difficult and trying thing I'e ever been through. With all the ups and downs, the emotional rollercoaster of the monthly let downs. I wish I had journaled more through that time. I know I felt sadness about our inability to conceive; anger, jealousy, envy and anxiety all but took over my body! It has been difficult to see pregnant people at work in the ER, who don't want their babies, who are devastated to find out of their pregnancy, who are planning to abort or who have recently intentionally aborted. Eric and I both are very different when it comes to dealing with it, and we have frequently felt alone and isolated, even from each other.
Some verses of a song I proclaimed all the time to God: My heart is heavy and my days are long. I lift my eyes up in the night. My heart it weighs me down, but your burden is light. So Lord, come walk with me til my heart can see all the bounties that your grace can bring.... Holy Spirit, rest upon me. Breath of God, touch my soul. Come unfailing love of Jesus. Rest upon us....
So, anyways...the though of adoption enters the picture! I began to think of adoption, for no apparent reason that I recall. I know that I my first thought was that I could never be an adoptive parent, Eric could, but not me. Then I remember my heart beginning to soften to the idea that maybe adoption could be part of God's plan for us, through our infertility. I was surprised at the response my family gave. Some of them had already thought of us adopting. An old friend wrote an email of encouragement to me, and reminded me of my mission-mindedness and heart for children when I was younger, and posed the question, "Could adoption fit into this picture anywhere?" How crazy is that? So through prayer and conversation, eric and I decided that we would adopt...SOMEDAY...after all infertility treatments and everything, of course. I was introduced to Steven Curtis Chapman's story of his adopted children on his website, Shaohannah's Hope. As I read, my heart just ached for the millions of children with no home and no family. I knew this was God working in me and giving me a heart for adoption. I expressed my desire to adopt now, instead of pursuing IVF. So much more to this story, but basically, this is how we got to the place we are now. There is no real reason to believe that we cannot conceive, or will not ever conceive. However, I have never been so sure of anything I am doing in my entire life.
We have met with other couples that we know who have adopted to hear their stories and have been so incredibly encouraged by them. I am learning from various scriptures and sermons, how much God cares for orphans! I am His adopted child through Christ's sacrifice, of no works of my own. I believe that God calls us to protect the fatherless, and holds them at a high priority! Just learning about adoption is teaching me about the heart of God.
My prayer for the entire process right now is a quote that I heard Jeff Patton quote,(not sure who he was quoting). "May we remember in the dark, what we could see so clearly in the light." I pray that we will not be discouraged, as I hear that the adoption process can be very trying. I pray for the birth mom and for our future child, for her mental and emotional clarity and health, and for the child's protection.
I plan to keep this blog posted about the steps of the process, in hopes that family and friends will have an easy way to keep up with us, amidst a very busy life. But also, that someone might be encouraged by my transparency in this journey.