"psych eval"

Okay, sorry everyone, for not updating sooner. I did not even want to talk about that day last week that was so long and way boring (much more than I had imagined) I am just going to start by saying that we got to the office 20 minutes early (thanks to eric) and we enter the building to find a long hallway lined with a lot of closed doors. To our surprise, all the doors were locked. Even the one "105" which we were supposed to be going into for our appointment. We knocked. No answer. We walk upstairs to find the same thing, long hallway of locked doors. OK...we thought...lets go knock some more. Seriously, no one could be found except this one guy who sells insurance and he doesn't know anything. Then suddenly, about 5 or 10 minutes after 11 a guy comes walking out from behind one of the locked doors and is like, "yall lookin for me?" It was all we could do not to just bust out laughing. where the heck had this guy been? and what was he doing? weird. So, anyways, he procedes to give us a bunch of questions to answer, then we have the oral part of the evaluation. Basically, he just had us talk about our marriage and our "stuff" and what our issues are and all that. Then he gave us some advice and some test questions. We sat in this room, Eric at a desk and me on the couch and began doing this test of questions like 'I would like to be a fireman....true or false' and 'when I get angry I want to smash things' and 'I think about sex during the day' and all kinds of random things like these. Then you would find the same questions worded differently later on in the survey. About what I thought was half way through the test, I thumbed through to the back to see how much more I had to go (this is a common test taking habit that I have....sometimes i like to start at the back and work my way forward, just for fun) and I kept flipping and flipping. Finally I got to the last page....633 questions!!!!! so you know its not a typo...six hundred thirty three questions. I felt this overwhelming sense of dispair. I did not think I could ever answer that many questions that are formatted like these. It was truly really really long and really really boring. Finally we both had finished and once again the guy had disappeared. We were kinda over this whole experience at this point, so we left our answers and test questions on the desk and left...it was 10 til 4!!! That thing took almost 5 hours! Hopefully he returned and found our answers and we don't ever have to do that again. And then, we get to the car and I check my voicemail where I find that many of you had called to see how it went... thanks! But the best message was from my sweet, psychological guru of an aunt, Stephanie....and i quote..."Hey, just wanted to see how it went today, I hope you got to do the MMPI...that one is so fun to do...." The mmpi was the name of the 633 question test we had just finished. I let her know that there is NOTHING fun about the MMPI. All in all, it wasn't that bad.... but of course, we don't know if we have passed or not yet! We are hoping no news is good news. Again, sorry it took so long to blog this time. I just couldn't think about that day before now.
p.s. (I have been very melodramatic in this blog. please, just humor me.)

so, here is Aubrynne! My sweet niece who is the MOST precious girl. I promise Eric is not drunk.... just a little tired!
Here we are at our yard sale!

This is the first 5 bucks we made!

Let me tell yall about our week. A situation with a brand new baby girl was brought to our attention by some sweet friends at work that had been brought to the ER and would be needing a home. Without going into all the details of how and why this situation occured, I will just say that a need for a family came up, and Eric and I had the opportunity to make ourselves available to take her. When I recieved the call from the ER, it did not feel real...until I talked to Eric about it. When I told him what I knew of the situation, his response was, "What are you waiting for??? CALL THEM!" We hung up the phone, and with my mom as a witness, I began having chest pain, feeling short of breath and feeling like I was gonna vomit!! Some of you may be thinking 'wow, you really aren't ready to get a baby if you are gonna freak out!' You can rest assured, I was not freaking because we might be parents, but just at the thought of my baby being without me...alone...without a name! I have wondered if I will naturally feel that 'motherly instinct' or 'instant bond' with my adopted child. I know, after this week, that I will. I was overwhelmed with worry and an extreme amount of love for this little girl I have never met, seen, held, and quite frankly that was going to be a stretch to actually come into my home. After all, all we were doing was making ourselves available to the people in charge of this baby. It's not like this was actually something we were doing through our agency that actually had potential to be in our home. But it did not matter. If she was to be ours, I wanted her, and loved her, and immediately began praying for her and for her birthmom who is quite obviously in a really bad situation. Realistically though, I tried to keep myself grounded and remind myself that this was a long shot. But it did not matter. I still loved her, and wanted her, and prayed for her. At one point shortly after getting this phone call, I looked at my mom and asked her what on earth will I do with a baby? I don't have any stuff, like diapers and uh, a crib, or clothes! It's really cold outside! My mom calmly responded, "We'll go to target!" I said, "oh, okay...we'll...go to Target." So, we made the appropriate phone calls, to the appropriate people and then just have waited to hear something. I talked with a social worker this morning and it looks like that little baby girl will have a family soon, through the state's custody and provision. I am glad that there are other families waiting to take home little girls who don't have a home. I am glad that I was able to love her so much, so instantly, so unconditionally. I am glad that we got to experience the real possibility of becoming parents. I am happy with our response. I know that God is sovereign and in control, and that He is still preparing us for parenthood. I am really, seriously okay and actually great with that baby girl finding a home through the state program. I rest in knowing that our child will come to us soon enough. And it will be the child for only us. I am not having anymore chest pain or shortness of breath or nausea now that I know I am not separated from my little girl, cause she's not mine! I am also excited that i felt what a lot of my "anxious" patients feel and they never can quite explain it or why they have these symptoms, but the are real. And now I can stop thinking they are making it all up! (just kidding...I am not that harsh, but I am sometimes a little skeptical)

So, it's back to waiting some more, to finish our homestudy. We have sent letters now to our employers for their references and hopefully they will be prompt. Someone asked me today if this event makes me feel more anxious about the wait, or more ready for it to hurry up and be here. I think a little, but not too much. I am still not in 'wait' mode, because we aren't expecting to get a child yet. I still really see good in both sides of it coming fast and then we are parents! But here are the reasons that it is soooo okay that we aren't there yet:

1. we need to save some major money so we don't have to borrow it!



2. we get to spend more time together, alone!



3. we need to be training our dog to be outside



4. we need to be reading our required books about being adoptive parents



5. we get to continue preparing our hearts



6. me and mom have time to find some good material to decorate the nursery



7. we have time to soak up Aubrynne (our new niece)



8. we get to enjoy dreaming about what our child will look likel (it's kinda fun)



9. we get to continue to trust God and experience Him in this time of waiting, in ways we wouldn't if we could just always have our way, when we chose and how we chose. I am convinced and expect that our child will prove to us and hopefully to any of you who are in this journey with us, that God's timing is perfect, His ways are better than ours, and we can learn to be thankful, hopeful people as a result of this truth and how it plays out in our lives.

We received a letter in the mail today that informed us of the status of our paperwork. We both have to give reference forms to our employers then once they are turned in and one more person turns in their personal reference form, we will move on to the next step...the interviews! We also are going to have a psychological evaluation done on November 12. First of all, this is my birthday. I kinda was being selfish in scheduling it on my birthday, cause Eric has to take off work to have it done cause it takes 3-4 hrs to complete. But, does this sound scary to anyone else... 'psychological evaluation'???? What on earth will this be like? I assumed we'd be able to adopt, but who knows what will happen if Eric and I both have to convince a psychologist that we are sane! I don't think either of us have felt 'sane' in a while now! Some of the people in these groups that we are going to for support have said that they actually try to trick you. There is some kind of validity score/test that is in the evaluation to see if you are being truthful with your answers. I don't do well when I am being tricked....I am quite gullable. May the Lord be with us! We also received our financial statement in the packet today. This basically told us what we have already paid, what we owe, and when to pay. It did not include lawyer fees (which comes after placement of the child) but I felt great about the cost. It was right at what we thought, actually on the low side of what we thought and that is ALWAYS good. I am feeling excited about everything, but still nervous. I am nervous that I am totally gonna be freaked out by bringing a baby into my house, forever. It sounds awesome, but feels crazy. I held my beautiful, sweet, precious, little neice Aubrynne tonight for like an hour or more. She makes me want to hurry up and bring our baby home. I also kept the Vinson boys again today. Tate (the youngest of the 3) is EVERYWHERE! At one point I found myself washing out his cloth diaper that was poopy, by the way, while owen was pooping in the potty right next to me, tate was just sitting in the floor laughing and smiling, while griffin was trying to 'help' me wash the poop out of tate's CLOTH diaper. He was pointing out what he thought Tate must have eaten earlier in the day and just thought it was so great! They began talking about all the different aspects of 'poop' from their 3 and 4 yr old perspectives and I thought to myself, 'This is where you are headed...poop land!' Laurie....more power to ya with the fuzzy buns (cloth diapers) and to having 3 boys who are so wonderful, but very busy! We really had a great time, as usual. I write all this to say that I am excited and curious about this next phase of life for us, but incredibly nervous and hesitant at the same time. I hope that is ok. I also feel really humbled and honestly quite amazed that someone (and God) is going to trust me with a child....on purpose!

I still feel like we are running like crazy right now. I don't forsee it getting better anytime soon. Between my work and then Eric's work and basketball starting up a few weeks ago, we definitely aren't looking at a lot of downtime. Please pray for us that we would make time for each other to strengthen our relationship. Also, that we would keep our priorities straight of what is important as far as our time is concerned. I'll be posting about that psych eval coming up. In the meantime, thanks for "waiting" with us!

amazed and thankful!

Okay, for those of you who have not heard, our first adoption fundraiser was a success!!! We actually have deposited $1350 into our adoption account! We sold EVERY thing that was donated to us to sell (except a few things for baby that I could not pass up that I would've had to buy new anyway!) Our adoption fund is growing and we are just so amazed that this was so successful. It was fun to hear reactions from people when they learned why we were having the sale and where the money was going. It rained a little on friday morning but still we made more money that day than we did on saturday. I'll tell ya what, people will buy anything! And they love to bargain with you. I would like to say that if it were not for my mom and and Eric's dad on the actual day of the sale, we would've been in major trouble. They were such a huge help getting everything out and somewhat organized, even though there wasn't much time for that. People were literally waiting outside the door for us to bring things out of the garage for them to pilfer through.....seriously, amazing! This was a lot of work, from going around to everyone's house and loading the stuff up, unloading it into our garage, organizing it, pricing it, then organizing some more, and then finally selling it...but it was worth it!

I don't know that I have feel this kind of exhaustion in a while. I really thought on saturday afternoon that I was coming down with the flu. But, no, I was just that dang tired! Eric was as well. My body just ached for some reason. But we got some rest and it's back to work tomorrow. Thank you so much to all of you who donated stuff to us. Obviously, we couldn't have had the sale without you all and appreciate so much your generosity. Thanks also to everyone who has supported us through prayer and just calling to ask how it went and offering help when needed. We love you all and are just truly thankful for your love and support. We are so blessed!

FUNDRAISING!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It is 12:38 am and our garage sale is technically today! I am so pumped! Eric and I just finished putting up some signs and are about to get in bed. My mom came up yesterday to help me price. We tackled the entire garage full of stuff and actually priced it all. Mom, thanks for being such a trooper! We had an overwhelmingly large amount of clothes, at least is seemed that way. Today, as I was dragging them all out, and right in the middle of them all, about to break down cause I just did NOT know where to start or how to organize, Julie and Kenny came driving down the street. I was like, 'Hallelujah!' Julie is the QUEEN of yard sales, shopping them and hosting them! I don't know if I have ever been so happy to see her :-) We got all the clothes semi organized and just in time for Eric and I to head out to the hockey game with mom and dad. Nothing like leaving everything to the last minute and then, packing my day as full as I possibly can! (In my defense, I have been working a little bit crazily lately) We were able to enjoy the game knowing that everything was pretty much ready for the sale. So thanks to our parents! Yall are the best ever! Eric has taken the day off to help me with everything during the sale. So, as a last minute request....anyone who can come out and see us...please do! (and maybe shop a little, too!) Please pray in the morning that our efforts would be blessed. oh, and we will be out on saturday, too! Love you all! Goodnight.

busy-ness

well, once again, it has been a while. We have been extremely busy this last week or so. I worked night shifts the past two weeks and was reminded about why I did NOT like it! But, the blessing is, that I got to do all the stuff I wanted to do around my work schedule....the beauty of p.r.n. We had our last training last night that we actually have to attend. We will be completing two more in the next two weeks by email. This weeks training was focused on the core issues involved with adoption. They are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy and relationships, and control issues. I was reminded of the separate set of struggles that our child will face in life, in addition to the ones that would've come anyway. My heart felt so heavy and sad for my baby. At first I felt a little uneasy, just at the thought of struggle and difficulty. But quickly my mind went to the thought of how an innocent child is just born with a set of potential struggles that in a better place, would not be. I am feeling very priviledged that we get to parent this child. We will be the ones to help him/her work through these struggles. We will help him know who he is. We will bring him security. We will teach him through our actions about intimacy and relationships. We will model for him healthy boundaries (I hope!) We will accept him just like he is. I know that our baby needs us for all of these reasons. He will need God to be his shepherd through this difficult thing we call life, and with great hope and lots of prayer, we will show him, through our lives and with our love, who He is.

Our garage sale is this weekend, friday and saturday. Please come out and see us! We would really love it! Also, please pray for the sale, that it would go well, that it would not rain, and ask that He bless us immensly! Not because we deserve it, but because we don't deserve it. It's because of His grace that Eric and I are even on this journey. His grace is what sustains me. His spirit leads me. Please, pray that He would extend His grace again, so that we can bring our baby home.

puzzle pieces

Last week was a tough week. It seemed like more than usual, I saw pregnant women, or learned that friends were pregnant. On Thursday I went to my obgyn with some fullness in my left lower abdomen and just wanted to see if the cyst that was present before was too big or was causing any problems. My doctor was surprised to find that my ovaries are polycystic (I actually do have PCOS) If you don't know, PCOS is not that big of a deal and can easily be treated. Basically it just makes it harder to get pregnant. Well, the funny thing is, that last year before we started started seeing a specialist, I asked my doctor if she thought maybe my irregularity in my periods could be that I have PCOS, and she said no that she did not believe I had it. I felt okay with her answer and went along with the treatment plan of going to the fertility doctor which has ultimately lead to finding out that Eric has some infertility as well as I do. As I was standing there in the doctor's office, I just wanted to scream at my doctor, "I TOLD YOU I HAD PCOS! WHY DIDN'T YOU TREAT ME A YEAR AGO AND WE NEVER WOULD'VE HAD TO GO TO THE STUPID INFERTILITY DOCTOR." It was really all I could do to get out of her office without bursting into tears. I wanted to pray, but didn't know what to say. I wanted to call someone, but didn't know what to say to them either. So I just cried. really hard. all the way to murfreesboro. I was overwhelmed with sadness about our infertility. I wanted to be pregnant, and I was so angry at my doctor and wanted to blame her for our infertility. After a good cry, I began to think, 'what if we had've known that I have PCOS...what would've been different?' I realized that had we known that, my doctor would've treated MY infertility for much longer before sending us to a specialist, with hopes that she could help us get pregnant. But when she sent us to the Fertility Center, we found that Eric has male factor infertility, which eventually led to us deciding to adopt. (go back and read my very first blog) So, in conclusion, God is in control. He knows the child that will soon be needing us. He knows how much we need this child. Only in His perfect timing will we meet this child. We would not be this close to bringing our child home, had things gone differently in the beginning. We might not even have decided to adopt at this point and might have been still amidst fertility treatment. I know that God is sovereign. I think that when we have our child and we are able to look back over the journey, we will see how God took us out of circumstances and took our child from it's circumstances and brought us together. It will be like a finished puzzle. Last week was definitely one of the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.