Termination day...

As of today around 4pm, all parental rights were terminated. It was funny when Carolyn called to let us know the hearing was complete and rights were terminated, before I knew why she was calling I felt a small sense of panic, fear, anxiety....'what does she want???, is something wrong???' I haven't felt the least bit of any of those emotions at all the entire time we have had him home with us. I just have had a peace about it from the beginning. But that fear jumped right up in my throat and in my heart for about 2 or 3 seconds until I heard her say, "all parental rights are now terminated, just wanted to let you know you can breathe now." I am pointing out this brief moment of fear only to say that I am so incredibly thankful for Peace that passes all understanding. I am thankful that we were brought Peace by the Holy Spirit, enabling us to love Cohen without hesitation, no holding back, just as he needs and just as we have been entrusted to do. If I had the feelings that I had for a few seconds today, the entire time we have had him, I fear I may have been hesitant. But God, though I am undeserving, sent His Peace that passes all understanding.

While I am so thrilled that the legalities are over as far as other potential parents to Cohen, my heart feels some heaviness for him. Eric and I wake up each day to a smiling, jabbering, sweet smelling, beautiful, bright baby boy and it feels like and we believe that he is ours just as much as any boy or girl we could've conceived. We couldn't be happier or more blessed. But today is a reminder that reality for him will not be perfect or necessarily easy. I am reminded though, that life on earth his not perfect or necessarily easy either and that is why we need a Savior. So the heaviness in my heart for the pain he may endure in the future is entrusted to my Savior and I look forward to the days ahead that we have to love on Cohen, hopefully portraying a hint of the love Christ has for him. I hope to have this heaviness though, as a reminder not to be sad for Cohen but to pray for him and to be tender to him and sensitive to what he needs as he grows. I love that God created emotions that we can feel when things are good, bad, happy, sad, right and wrong. I am learning not to always assume that a feeling like I had today of heaviness in my heart is negative or something that I need to get rid of, but that it keeps me praying, keeps reminding me of my need and of the needs of others.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers regarding the legal side of the adoption.

Florida trip!

Well, Cohen was perfect on our trip to Destin, of course! I was a little worried about the trip there and back, but he did wonderful! No crying, no fussing, although I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. While we were there, he went out to the beach under a big tent we had thanks to pops and JuJu. The weather was so much cooler than normal, I thought, because of the rain and a cool front that came through, so that made it tolerable for Cohen and Houston( my sister in law's little boy) to come out for a while. Eric was so sweet and really allowed me to get some time on the beach several of the days. He played golf a couple of times and just hung out with cohen the rest of the time. Cohen just watched the fireworks in amazement. When the were louder he jumped a little, but overall seemed to be enjoying himself. It was a great relaxation trip and am so thankful we were able to go. So here are some pictures...I'll put on as many as I can. Oh yeah, new thing Cohen is doing....He rolls over from his back to his stomach and then back to his back again! We are so proud! He also likes to hold his own bottle and play with it when he decides he is full.... cute but a little frustrating at times! He still sleeps really well, through the night and is just doing well in general. I weighed him yesterday and he was 16.4 lbs! My boy is getting big. So here he is.....

Well, we are back from Florida and it was back to work for me as soon as we got back....(don't ask me why I scheduled myself for 3 days in a row RIGHT when we got back...wasn't thinking) and we had a great trip. I plan to post pics and tell you more about Cohen in the next blog. I just wanted to post real quick and say that we have no indication that any legal father activity went on tuesday, so thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate you so much. Next Tuesday is the termination of parental rights hearing. We are not worried about this at all, but it still will be nice to have it all behind us! I'll be posting again soon, I promise, with pics and about our florida trip for all who is interested! In closing I will quote Eric from our convo last night, "Cohen is the most awesome kid in the whole world! Life is so good. God is so good." Our hearts are continually thankful to God for the opportunity to parent this baby boy!

Post placement visit #2

We had our second post placement visit this week with Bethany. The first one was when Cohen was only a few days old. Basically, Carolyn comes out and checks in with us. We talk about what Cohen is doing, how he sleeps and eats, what his disposition and personality is like and how he is changing. I am not sure what Carolyn's part of it is, but it always seems to go smoothly and feels easy, and we get no negative feedback, so I guess no news is good news! Cohen and I stopped by the Bethany office in Nashville last week to take our monthly pictures and letter/update for "E", should she decide to see them. I wonder how she is doing. I hear from the birthparent counselor who has a relationship with her that she is okay. We have requested a picture of her and of Cohen's half brother and sister so that he can have that as he gets older. Hopefully she will be okay with that. I think that would be special for him. I must confess something...I am really not that great about remembering to pray for E as far as her relationship with our family goes, and I really don't know why I forget. I really hope that she decides one day to know him. I know that the day will come when Cohen is so aware and will want to know her and about his situation. I would want to know. Eric and I were talking just last night about how much we hurt already for him and want to stop any pain that may come his way. It is an indescribable feeling. However, we know that we can't. It is a real situation, with real circumstances that just are painful and no doubt, will be difficult for Cohen to understand. He may not ever understand and that fact, again, is just reality in this world and a reality that I need to be praying for now. If any of yall pray for Cohen and Eric and I, please remember this important aspect of our lives. I am thankful though, that we can rest in knowing that God is in control. He has orchestrated this all from the beginning. He knows what is best for Cohen. I believe in the same way that He has cared for Cohen so far, he will in this situation, too. I don't know what is best, only God does and I choose His plans over mine!!! All this rambling on and I really just wanted to say that my heart for "E" continues to grow, my heart for Cohen is overwhelmingly huge and this whole chapter of my life is just truly been made amazing by the work and hand of God in my life. Praise God for Cohen!!!!

We are leaving for vacation in the morning and we are so pumped, its not even funny! We'll have great pics, no doubt, for the blog with the new camera when we return and I'm sure i'll be anxious to share them!!! I am hoping to get some good reading time in and just some quality time and relaxation before we get ready to start back up with Eric back to work pretty shortly after we get back.

Some important court dates coming up:

• Tuesday, July 8th will be the "appearance hearing" for the legal father. We don't expect to hear anything from anyone on that as far as the actual legal father goes, but still.... pray for that day that there will be no legal activity going on!
• Tuesday, July 15th will be the termination of the legal father's rights day. Please pray that we will have peace through this. Pray for peace for E especially.

Father's day pics

My Dad

My Dad is a man of great character. He is strong in faith. He has a huge heart. Those who are close to him see his tender heart despite his efforts to hold back his tears during a touching moment. He has a great sense of humor, although sometimes a little corny. He tends to keep a great perspective on life and on his place in this life, not taking himself too seriously at any particular time. He gives great advice, although reluctant to do so now that I am married. He says Eric is the number one man in my life now and his opinion is insignificant. Little does he know that his opinion not only still matters to me but his son-in-law has come to appreciate it, too. We know he of all people will have our best interest in mind. And still, the respect shown for Eric by not always giving his opinion speaks volumes. He loves my mother and is not afraid to let it be known. He is a fisherman. To so thoroughly enjoy a hobby, to be able to lay down life and it's problems to take time for himself, I believe, is a luxury. A luxury that many people do not allow themselves even for only a short time. What a blessing to be able to relax and thoroughly enjoy fishing it must be for him. He speaks truth always and stands up for what he believes, no matter what the cost...a quality our Lord will commend him for as he enters the pearly gates someday. He was the leader in our home, providing stability for me that could not have been forced or faked. His unconditional love and support through all things is priceless to me and has been crucial to who I am today. I can't even imagine the sacrifices that were made on my behalf and so as a close to this very special day I must say, Dad, I owe you one. Thanks.

Best Dad Ever!!!

We got a new camera!!!! This might just be the best purchase we have made in a while. As I contemplated having Cohen's picture made professionally for his 3 month birthday, I realized that professional photos don't come cheap....at least not good ones! So, we decided to purchase a really nice camera instead of having professional pics made for now, while he is so little and not mobile or anything. I was a little nervous I'd regret it, but I have now had my camera for 1 day and I LOVE it! I figured who better to take his picture than the woman who loves him most and gets to capture all the sweet moments every day! No promises, but I think this is the beginning of a new relationship between me, a camera, and hopefully our blog! So here he is today at Sis and Gramps' house for Father's day. He'll be 3 months old on the 20th.

Despite major effort for this not to happen, Cohen has discovered his thumb as you can see in this precious pic. I dislike thumb-sucking for mostly one huge reason and that is how hard it will be on him to give up. Pacifiers seem to go easier, so I've been told, but this child loves his thumb and even as we have taken his thumb out of his mouth and given the pacifier, he pushes it back out and finds that thumb again. On a positive note, just as he finds it during the day....he finds it at night and puts himself to sleep and then back to sleep if he awakens during the night. Who knew that such a seemingly insignificant little appendage that I most of the time take for granted, could be so crucial to my sweet little boy, Cohen!

I also want to say that my husband is the BEST DAD EVER!!! I know he has been waiting on this first father's day for many years now. He deserves the biggest HAPPY FATHERS DAY of all. We have a great setup with our jobs... Eric teaches in a traditional school system that takes a 10 week summer break. My nursing job allows me to schedule myself and work as little as once a week. So while he was in school those first 6-8 weeks I was home and barely working. Now Eric gets to keep Cohen while I pick up some extra shifts each week to save a little money for the fall when I go back to barely working so he can work. Another beautiful blessing in our lives. Eric and Cohen have really bonded...really really bonded. I am reminded often of the life Cohen could've had and while he would've had an amazing woman as a mother in 'E', he wouldn't have had a father. E's noble choice not only gave Cohen life, but it gave him a dad named Eric and in my opinion, he couldn't be more blessed. Cohen smiles the brightest for Eric, sleeps best for Eric, coos and talks loudest for Eric and I am so thankful for the relationship that is forming between them. I am working no more than 3 days a week, so I am still home a lot, but miss him so much while I am gone. Needless to say we are really enjoying life and the blessings we are experiencing.