a heart for adoption

Beginning summer!

2009-06-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

Eric is now home full time during the summer and I am working a little more... which is good in some ways, but I definitely miss Cohen so much when I am working more! We have been super busy, as usual! Found this great place near our house that is a free water park thing as you can see in the picture... only been once but the boys (cohen and cousin houston) loved it! We took our first family trip together to Gatlinburg and it was so much fun. Cohen was not too crazy about the rides we tried except for the carousel at Dollywood, but the place we stayed had an indoor waterpark which was really cool! It was nice to get away and relax and just be together. OH and the bears in the picture! We saw real live "wild" bears that just came right up to our cabin... kinda scary actually, but really cool. We had a new addition to the family, with A.K.'s second baby boy Sloan! I will get a picture on here sometime, hopefully! Another playmate for Cohen! YAY!!! Cohen also is loving playing with Aubrynne when we get to see Amy and Bryan (my brother and sister in law and their daughter) and they are expecting another girl in October! We are blessed with cousins around here.
He is growing like a weed and we are loving life with him. I will say again how in love with him we are and what a blessing he is to us. Hope you all are having a great summer!

lifebook

2009-04-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today I went out into the garage to find a box sitting right in the middle of the floor. It was addressed to Eric, but I opened it anyway:) Inside the box I found a book called "Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the adopted child." I was soooo excited and realized Eric had surprised me! He said he knew how much I wanted to get started on Cohen's lifebook but had no idea where to start. It takes you through and shows you how to create a lifebook for Cohen, with ideas about how to explain certain situations that are specific to adoption to children and stuff like that. I LOVE it. Traditional baby books really are awful for us adoptive parents. It asks a lot of questions that are not adoption friendly :) So, this will be awesome to make him his very own book that tells his story from birth and then we can add to it as he grows! I am so excited to make this for him to have as a link between his history and his life now, and I just think it will be key in helping us familiarize him with so many ideas and to help him embrace his story!!!! I love so much that my sweet husband did this thoughtful thing for me but probably more for Cohen! I'll let you know how it goes!

First Birthday Party

2009-03-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Cohen's first birthday celebration was perfect. It was a great day. As you can see in the picture, we had many people present to celebrate is first year of life with us(there were many more behind them) and it was just perfect. not much more to say. He was sick a few days before which was sad for him, but he is feeling much better now. The first picture is of Cohen opening his gifts from "E". He opened them on his actual birthday and that was a very special time for us...the highlight being a card from "E" to Cohen. Very special words from her are cherished by us and will one day be cherished by Cohen. I am thankful to the Great God for Cohen Bennet and for the year we have spent loving him and look forward to many years ahead of us. He is such a joy every single day.

My first haircut

2009-02-25T20:30:00.000-08:00

Around noon today, Cohen got in the bath tub, his hair well washed and conditioned, combed out and ready for our big day at the barber. We were ready. When we got there, he sat up straight in the chair, like he'd done it a hundred times before. He loved touching the clippers and feeling the vibration on his skin. He didn't budge while Jonte (the barber) began. We did have to resort to some goldfish when we were near the end, but overall he did great and sat almost perfectly still. Unbelievable that this busy little boy could sit that still!!! As the hair came off, I really began to realize that this was going to make me sad. Hadn't thought much about it before right at that moment, but as his appearance began to change, my heart grew very sentimental.... all I could think was that 'my baby is gone!' He is growing up so so fast. I can't stand it. Karen-I almost cried... when we left and I was in the car and looked back at him...but I managed to hold it together. I guess I need to start bringing that tobagon along when we leave the house now!! As he was working Jonte said that Cohen now needed a barber name. So, he gave him the name "cheeks" for when he is there seeing him and getting his hair cut. Isn't that awesome? He has a barber shop name! Anyways, as you can see below we did some before and after. Which do you like best???

a tribute to the afro

2009-02-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

After 11 months of much enjoyment of Cohen's hair, the time has come to say goodbye. We are sad at our house tonight, but I must admit a little excited at the thought of much less time spent with the afro pic and detanglers of many kinds. Tomorrow will be our first trip to the barber which I will post pics of for sure. Just for added sentiment, I wanted to share with you all some memories of our little man's hair growing experience.

wikepedia definition of afro: An afro, sometimes called a "natural" or shortened to "fro", is a hairstyle in which the hair extends out from the head like a halo, cloud or ball. This may or may not include wearing such afros long, to several times the diameter of the head. An afro requires very curly hair.

I'll never forget that first day in the hospital as we admired him through the nursery glass and the nurse pulled his cap off....WHOA! Look at that hair!!!!

newborn- one week old

at 2 months old

at 3 months old

at 5 months old

at 9 months old

tonight at 11 months old

the lopsided afro-which is frequent at our house

and...the very good reason to rid our son of his afro..... his cousin loves to grab and PULL!

We will miss you, little afro although some how I feel we have not seen the end of you yet!

2009-02-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, if anyone still checks in on this blog, despite the fact that it has literally been months sense I last posted anything... I need help! How on earth do you make your blog designs??? I want to do something different with the template or whatever, but I am not computer or internet savvy and am wondering what to do. Anybody got any suggestions?

So, our first Christmas as a family of 3 was fantastic! Not much to say other than just that it was great to spend time with family and celebrate Jesus's birth. Cohen is 11 months in about 2 days from now!!! He started WALKING 5 days after he was 10 months, and seriously, he just took off, like he'd been walking for years! He is getting pretty good at it now, almost able to run at times...closely followed by a crash. I am pleased to report NO ILLNESS for the little guy! No runny noses, no cough, just great health wise. I was beginning to wonder if he was gonna have a permenant running nose. yuck. but no nose sucker, no raw upper lip from tissue wiping, no coughing in the night and we are just so thankful for our health over the past few months!

Hmmm.... what else... I think he said "dog" today and we think he is calling my inlaws dog "jack" (which is his name) although it is not completely clear. I am finding it totally amazing how much a child changes daily. I just will look around and find him doing things that I didn't know he could do. Its a beautiful, wonderful thing to watch and be a part of! We went to our first hockey game last week. He sat mesmerized by the noise, lights and players. He absolutely LOVED it and looked too cute in his preds sweatshirt.

Here are some new and not so new loves of Cohen's:

HIS DADDY- attached at the hip, literally. He is so obsessed with Eric that today he was hugging, kissing and smelling Eric's coat that was hanging on the back of the kitchen chair. Man he LOVES his daddy.

FOOD!!!- any food. period. baby food, big people food, dog food (no, just kidding), but really he loves to eat and gets really excited and kicks he legs and dances when he eats...which leads me to....

dancing- One day in pier 1, I was holding him and kinda dancing to the music (its kinda loud in there) and he was dancing (bouncing up and down) in my arms. I guess I started kinda bobbing my head sideways and so since then that is his new move that he loves to show off. sideways head bobbing. Its too cute.

books- he has just started really liking to turn pages in books and really loves it these days.

outside- today (beautiful day) we went outside to eat lunch and see Riley (our boxer) and after like an hour of being out there, we come in and he sits at the door and cries because he wants to go back out. Oh my goodness, he is only 11 months old and ALL BOY!!! (and our dog riley leads me to.....)

dogs- as I said earlier he is saying "dog" and calling the inlaws dog by his name and he has a book with different dogs in it and he kisses each dog as we read. He yells at dogs when he sees them.

Kids- He also "yells" in his own sweet way at other kids. When he sees his cousins Houston or Aubrynne he gets so excited and starts kinda hollaring at them and kisses them. He plays so well with kids and it is so awesome to watch him interact with other children his age, so so awesome.

Okay, enough of the list. He is just such a joy to Eric and I and we are so in love with him! Sorry it's been a while. Will definitely try and do better for anyone who still reads.

Adoption birthday!

2008-12-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

Cohen Bennett is now officially a Moore!!! Yesterday was a wonderful day. We legally finalized Cohen's adoption into our family. The judge was so kind, having us introduce all the people that were there to support and witness this day. He then allowed us all to take pictures with him! It couldn't have gone better. Although it was an important day we will never forget and tell Cohen about for years, it didn't feel like any weight off our shoulders or like something huge had been accomplished. Excited to be reminded of the gift we've been given, we enjoyed it, but the feeling of the day to me felt like a formality and not truly a "finalizing" of his place in our family. I am glad it felt that way. I am glad I didn't feel like, "whew, we made it" as if I was fearing a different outcome. He is ours, always has been and we are so in love with him. Last night I was watching tv and on the show a little girl was sick and needing surgery. While the parents stood there looking at their little girl, unsure of what would happen with her health, I began to think of Cohen and not morbidly like, 'what if something happens to him' but something just got my mind off on a thought of how deeply connected I feel to him and how that he has just rocked me to the core in terms of love. I guess that's just the feeling of being a mom. I went into his room with tears just streaming down my face and prayed for him and for Eric and I and for every person that teaches or has influence on him. I am so glad that I can feel this kind of love. It is different than a romantic love or a friendship love. It is amazing and I am just so so thankful for Cohen and to God for doing what is quite obviously His workmanship.

On sunday, we dedicated Cohen at church and the picture with the green overall type outfit is from that day. My talented mother made that outfit for him and she made his brown pants he is wearing in the other pictures. Isn't she great???

As I said in the last post, Cohen is all over the place now. He does an army crawl, but just in the last 2 days he has really gotten good and crawling on his hands and knees! He is saying all kinds of new sounds and loves to echo our sounds. I frequently find him standing in his bed hollaring for me to come and get him after a nap... not mad, just like he is saying" HEY!!! MOM!!! I AM AWAKE!!! Too cute. I love this stage he is in!

the last few months...

2008-12-02T06:21:00.001-08:00

Well, once again, its been awhile! Cohen is growing and changing daily! He is SO busy these days, walking around the house while holding momma's fingers...eating solid food and some adult food (veggies mashed up and stuff like that) like a champ. This morning for the second morning in row I woke up to his loud hollaring voice, not mad or sad, just ready to get UP!!! When I went around the corner to his room, he was standing in his crib holding the rails!!! Now he has been pulling up for a while, but never has he done it in his bed and yelled for me to come get him....he's getting too big!!! Cohen LOVES his cousins, Aubrynne and Houston. He loves to play with them so much. He has all kinds of new sounds and noises that are so fun. Anyway, at almost 8.5 months old... he is doing wonderfully as are his proud parents.

Some exciting events coming up next week: we are publically dedicating him to the Lord this Sunday at church! I have always been so excited about this day. It just seems so special and so appropriate to have this ceremony type event to publically say to our church family that we want them to join us in praying and raising Cohen. I love that. THEN, on Monday we'll be having his court hearing to finalize his adoption!!!! I can't believe he is 8 months old and I am just so thankful that he is being made legally our son. This will be such a special day for all of us.

I knew I couldn't come without some newer pictures! so here they are. He was a penguin for halloween. He has two teeth still but the first top tooth is trying to come in causing some swollen gums! He is tolerating it great though. Enjoy!

Spirit of Adoption

2008-11-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Mandy and I have dealt with many different reactions about our story of adoption. Honestly, most of these reactions have been extremely positive but we have run into some that have been negative. As of late, it seems I am being questioned even more about our decision to adopt a child of a different race. I find myself really struggling with how to respond to these people in a loving non frustrating way.

I can understand its only natural to want to have children through birth. Giving birth is natural and was designed by God to come out of a loving relationship with your spouse. I am assuming thats why people struggle with the idea of "adoption" so much. We all yearn for things to work the way we supposed they were designed to work from the beginning. However, we live in a broken world. God has commanded us to be fruitful and multiply and has told us that procreation and adoption are equally God-ordained ways of fulfilling this command. Adoption is just as natural as procreation, if we expose ourselves to orphans. In the same way that God makes a place for us in his family through adoption, God wants orphans to experience the permanence of being placed into a family and having their deepest desires fulfilled as well

To me parenting is much more than blood lines. A biological child is not guaranteed a secure realtionship with his/her parents. I see this everyday in education. When you consider it from a relational perspective, parenting is really about trust, time, and committment, which amounts to love. These aspects of parenting are beyond blood. Adoption is God's perfect plan for transforming orphans into sons and daughters, regardless of skin color, who are set in families to His divine purpose in a broken world.

Cohen is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Mandy and I. The adoption of Cohen was definitely Gods Perfect Plan for Mandy and I. We are certain of that!

Eric

2008-09-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Just a few more pics from the last month. He is turning 6 months this week! Can you believe it??? We have our 3rd and I think final post placement visit in one week. We are also proud to announce the birth of TEETH in cohen's sweet mouth! He woke up on Saturday morning with two rough edges in the bottom center of his gums! One is has broken the skin more than the other. I'll post pictures when you can actually tell that they are there :) He is loved on so much all the time. we are so blessed.

yay for the bush's!!!

2008-08-26T20:48:00.001-07:00

Our friends Maris and Steven who I have mentioned before in the blog about adopting also, have been chosen as adoptive parents for a precious baby boy due in early October!!! I am so excited for them, I was screaming!!! I felt like I was reliving all those emotions we had when we were chosen! I know they are just elated right now and I am so happy for them. Please pray for them as you did for us, cause the emotional rollercoaster has only just begun! Also pray for the birthparents of this baby.

My sweet boy is growing and changing daily and is such a joy each day. Cohen is 5 months now. He is sitting up and noticing things that he didn't last week, and really a lot more "busy" and wanting to explore. He looks like he wants to crawl soooo bad but can't quite figure out how to do that. I am expecting to hear from Bethany soon to set up our last post placement visit before we can finalize the adoption. This time has FLOWN by. Now I see what people say about feeling like your kids were little just yesterday. Here are some more updated pics of Cohen sitting up and of Aubrynne, my brother's little girl and Stockton, my cousin courtney's beautiful new boy.

2008-08-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

I recently took a spiritual gift test that I found online. I found the results very interesting, and very challenging. My highest score was in mercy showing! Some of you may find that funny, especially those of you who know me well or have known me long enough to have seen quite the opposite behavior from me :) whether directed at yourself or someone else. It was interesting though because the description of what mercy showers are like really described me well (again, not always, due to my sinful nature). I felt challenged by this because whether the test was accurate or not, I felt compelled to really examine myself and think about how I am or am not showing mercy to others day to day and staying true to who I believe God has and is calling me to be as Mandy, wife to Eric, mom to Cohen, sister to Bryan, co worker and caregiver to many, etc. Ironically, I am actually reading the book whats so amazing about grace. Slowly but surely I am really getting into some challenging stuff there as well, and all pertaining to the showing mercy/giving grace and forgiveness to others theme. I have these fleeting thoughts from time to time about what I can do on behalf of the orphaned children of the world. The thoughts and dreams range from educating others in some form to adopting again to ministering to birthparents to lots of other ideas.... but dreams seem to be short lived with me and I decide that someone else will do it, or that I don't have the gifts or ability to do anything. I was reading today on Rebekah's blog, a girl who comments on our posts from time to time and is also on a journey to adopt. I appreciate her perspective so much:

"I am excited for motherhood and all that comes with. I am excited we are walking the path less chosen and that we are part of the solution and no longer ignoring the problem. I am excited for the voice God has passioned in me to bring change. I am excited that we get to shake heaven and earth to make a difference in the life of one…someday two…and maybe three…"

I guess all this rambling about the random thoughts in my head are being put on this blog about adoption because I really feel that my heart has been changed and passioned as Rebekah says to bring about a difference for the orphaned, even if only for Cohen, but I am feeling that it won't be just for him that change comes. I pray that I begin to really develop and put to use the gifts God has given me, even if not perfectly. I pray that I not be idle just because. I have seen God do great things in my life and can look at His word for proof that He uses the ordinary to do extraordinary things, so why not me?

new transportation options...

2008-08-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I just had to share these new pics from tonight... Cohen is rolling, quickly, from one end of the room to the other and looks up at you and smiles like he knows that he is moving himself to where he wants to go....so so fun! With Daddy back at work, they get some great play time in at night, too!

4 months

2008-08-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

Well, the 4 month birthday has come and gone....and way too quickly!!! July 20th, Cohen was 4 months old. He weighed 17 1b, 3 oz, and was 26 inches long. He is rolling all over the place now and is much more aware of EVERYTHING around him! We started giving some solid food a few weeks ago and he did great with it! We got one of those excersaucer/jumper contraptions last week and Cohen is loving that as well...as you can tell in the picture, he got a little tired in it. This picture of him asleep in it was today. He has been congested with a little cough and of course I feel like a bad mom letting my boy get a cold! but he has been really off today. He can't quite get to sleep because he can't suck his thumb because he can't breathe through his nose (he told me all this) and so he gets soooo frustrated. It's pitiful, really.

Today was Eric's first day back to work for the school year and my first official day back at home with him! I never thought I'd be so happy to have a summer come to an end. I will say, though, that I am really enjoying my work and am really feeling thankful that I am able to just pick up shifts as infrequently as I am planning in order to be at home with my boy all but 4-6 days per month. Also, I was able to work 3 days a week this summer and save up some good money, and still be with Cohen and Eric the other 4 days. It's been a great summer; definitely the best one yet.

So, no teeth yet, but I am convinced they are coming soon with all the sweet drool and biting things that is going on in our house these days. Daddy is wanting to cut our boy's hair already and I am protesting like you've never seen. We are combing through his pretty curls a few times a day to keep it from getting knotted and to keep it soft, but it's worth it cause it's too cute! Life is pretty much great here and we hope you are all doing well.

Termination day...

2008-07-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

As of today around 4pm, all parental rights were terminated. It was funny when Carolyn called to let us know the hearing was complete and rights were terminated, before I knew why she was calling I felt a small sense of panic, fear, anxiety....'what does she want???, is something wrong???' I haven't felt the least bit of any of those emotions at all the entire time we have had him home with us. I just have had a peace about it from the beginning. But that fear jumped right up in my throat and in my heart for about 2 or 3 seconds until I heard her say, "all parental rights are now terminated, just wanted to let you know you can breathe now." I am pointing out this brief moment of fear only to say that I am so incredibly thankful for Peace that passes all understanding. I am thankful that we were brought Peace by the Holy Spirit, enabling us to love Cohen without hesitation, no holding back, just as he needs and just as we have been entrusted to do. If I had the feelings that I had for a few seconds today, the entire time we have had him, I fear I may have been hesitant. But God, though I am undeserving, sent His Peace that passes all understanding.

While I am so thrilled that the legalities are over as far as other potential parents to Cohen, my heart feels some heaviness for him. Eric and I wake up each day to a smiling, jabbering, sweet smelling, beautiful, bright baby boy and it feels like and we believe that he is ours just as much as any boy or girl we could've conceived. We couldn't be happier or more blessed. But today is a reminder that reality for him will not be perfect or necessarily easy. I am reminded though, that life on earth his not perfect or necessarily easy either and that is why we need a Savior. So the heaviness in my heart for the pain he may endure in the future is entrusted to my Savior and I look forward to the days ahead that we have to love on Cohen, hopefully portraying a hint of the love Christ has for him. I hope to have this heaviness though, as a reminder not to be sad for Cohen but to pray for him and to be tender to him and sensitive to what he needs as he grows. I love that God created emotions that we can feel when things are good, bad, happy, sad, right and wrong. I am learning not to always assume that a feeling like I had today of heaviness in my heart is negative or something that I need to get rid of, but that it keeps me praying, keeps reminding me of my need and of the needs of others.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers regarding the legal side of the adoption.

Florida trip!

2008-07-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

Well, Cohen was perfect on our trip to Destin, of course! I was a little worried about the trip there and back, but he did wonderful! No crying, no fussing, although I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. While we were there, he went out to the beach under a big tent we had thanks to pops and JuJu. The weather was so much cooler than normal, I thought, because of the rain and a cool front that came through, so that made it tolerable for Cohen and Houston( my sister in law's little boy) to come out for a while. Eric was so sweet and really allowed me to get some time on the beach several of the days. He played golf a couple of times and just hung out with cohen the rest of the time. Cohen just watched the fireworks in amazement. When the were louder he jumped a little, but overall seemed to be enjoying himself. It was a great relaxation trip and am so thankful we were able to go. So here are some pictures...I'll put on as many as I can. Oh yeah, new thing Cohen is doing....He rolls over from his back to his stomach and then back to his back again! We are so proud! He also likes to hold his own bottle and play with it when he decides he is full.... cute but a little frustrating at times! He still sleeps really well, through the night and is just doing well in general. I weighed him yesterday and he was 16.4 lbs! My boy is getting big. So here he is.....

2008-07-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back from Florida and it was back to work for me as soon as we got back....(don't ask me why I scheduled myself for 3 days in a row RIGHT when we got back...wasn't thinking) and we had a great trip. I plan to post pics and tell you more about Cohen in the next blog. I just wanted to post real quick and say that we have no indication that any legal father activity went on tuesday, so thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate you so much. Next Tuesday is the termination of parental rights hearing. We are not worried about this at all, but it still will be nice to have it all behind us! I'll be posting again soon, I promise, with pics and about our florida trip for all who is interested! In closing I will quote Eric from our convo last night, "Cohen is the most awesome kid in the whole world! Life is so good. God is so good." Our hearts are continually thankful to God for the opportunity to parent this baby boy!

Post placement visit #2

2008-06-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

We had our second post placement visit this week with Bethany. The first one was when Cohen was only a few days old. Basically, Carolyn comes out and checks in with us. We talk about what Cohen is doing, how he sleeps and eats, what his disposition and personality is like and how he is changing. I am not sure what Carolyn's part of it is, but it always seems to go smoothly and feels easy, and we get no negative feedback, so I guess no news is good news! Cohen and I stopped by the Bethany office in Nashville last week to take our monthly pictures and letter/update for "E", should she decide to see them. I wonder how she is doing. I hear from the birthparent counselor who has a relationship with her that she is okay. We have requested a picture of her and of Cohen's half brother and sister so that he can have that as he gets older. Hopefully she will be okay with that. I think that would be special for him. I must confess something...I am really not that great about remembering to pray for E as far as her relationship with our family goes, and I really don't know why I forget. I really hope that she decides one day to know him. I know that the day will come when Cohen is so aware and will want to know her and about his situation. I would want to know. Eric and I were talking just last night about how much we hurt already for him and want to stop any pain that may come his way. It is an indescribable feeling. However, we know that we can't. It is a real situation, with real circumstances that just are painful and no doubt, will be difficult for Cohen to understand. He may not ever understand and that fact, again, is just reality in this world and a reality that I need to be praying for now. If any of yall pray for Cohen and Eric and I, please remember this important aspect of our lives. I am thankful though, that we can rest in knowing that God is in control. He has orchestrated this all from the beginning. He knows what is best for Cohen. I believe in the same way that He has cared for Cohen so far, he will in this situation, too. I don't know what is best, only God does and I choose His plans over mine!!! All this rambling on and I really just wanted to say that my heart for "E" continues to grow, my heart for Cohen is overwhelmingly huge and this whole chapter of my life is just truly been made amazing by the work and hand of God in my life. Praise God for Cohen!!!!

We are leaving for vacation in the morning and we are so pumped, its not even funny! We'll have great pics, no doubt, for the blog with the new camera when we return and I'm sure i'll be anxious to share them!!! I am hoping to get some good reading time in and just some quality time and relaxation before we get ready to start back up with Eric back to work pretty shortly after we get back.

Some important court dates coming up:

Tuesday, July 8th will be the "appearance hearing" for the legal father. We don't expect to hear anything from anyone on that as far as the actual legal father goes, but still.... pray for that day that there will be no legal activity going on!
Tuesday, July 15th will be the termination of the legal father's rights day. Please pray that we will have peace through this. Pray for peace for E especially.

Father's day pics

2008-06-15T20:23:00.001-07:00

My Dad

2008-06-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

My Dad is a man of great character. He is strong in faith. He has a huge heart. Those who are close to him see his tender heart despite his efforts to hold back his tears during a touching moment. He has a great sense of humor, although sometimes a little corny. He tends to keep a great perspective on life and on his place in this life, not taking himself too seriously at any particular time. He gives great advice, although reluctant to do so now that I am married. He says Eric is the number one man in my life now and his opinion is insignificant. Little does he know that his opinion not only still matters to me but his son-in-law has come to appreciate it, too. We know he of all people will have our best interest in mind. And still, the respect shown for Eric by not always giving his opinion speaks volumes. He loves my mother and is not afraid to let it be known. He is a fisherman. To so thoroughly enjoy a hobby, to be able to lay down life and it's problems to take time for himself, I believe, is a luxury. A luxury that many people do not allow themselves even for only a short time. What a blessing to be able to relax and thoroughly enjoy fishing it must be for him. He speaks truth always and stands up for what he believes, no matter what the cost...a quality our Lord will commend him for as he enters the pearly gates someday. He was the leader in our home, providing stability for me that could not have been forced or faked. His unconditional love and support through all things is priceless to me and has been crucial to who I am today. I can't even imagine the sacrifices that were made on my behalf and so as a close to this very special day I must say, Dad, I owe you one. Thanks.

Best Dad Ever!!!

2008-06-14T21:18:00.001-07:00

We got a new camera!!!! This might just be the best purchase we have made in a while. As I contemplated having Cohen's picture made professionally for his 3 month birthday, I realized that professional photos don't come cheap....at least not good ones! So, we decided to purchase a really nice camera instead of having professional pics made for now, while he is so little and not mobile or anything. I was a little nervous I'd regret it, but I have now had my camera for 1 day and I LOVE it! I figured who better to take his picture than the woman who loves him most and gets to capture all the sweet moments every day! No promises, but I think this is the beginning of a new relationship between me, a camera, and hopefully our blog! So here he is today at Sis and Gramps' house for Father's day. He'll be 3 months old on the 20th.

Despite major effort for this not to happen, Cohen has discovered his thumb as you can see in this precious pic. I dislike thumb-sucking for mostly one huge reason and that is how hard it will be on him to give up. Pacifiers seem to go easier, so I've been told, but this child loves his thumb and even as we have taken his thumb out of his mouth and given the pacifier, he pushes it back out and finds that thumb again. On a positive note, just as he finds it during the day....he finds it at night and puts himself to sleep and then back to sleep if he awakens during the night. Who knew that such a seemingly insignificant little appendage that I most of the time take for granted, could be so crucial to my sweet little boy, Cohen!

I also want to say that my husband is the BEST DAD EVER!!! I know he has been waiting on this first father's day for many years now. He deserves the biggest HAPPY FATHERS DAY of all. We have a great setup with our jobs... Eric teaches in a traditional school system that takes a 10 week summer break. My nursing job allows me to schedule myself and work as little as once a week. So while he was in school those first 6-8 weeks I was home and barely working. Now Eric gets to keep Cohen while I pick up some extra shifts each week to save a little money for the fall when I go back to barely working so he can work. Another beautiful blessing in our lives. Eric and Cohen have really bonded...really really bonded. I am reminded often of the life Cohen could've had and while he would've had an amazing woman as a mother in 'E', he wouldn't have had a father. E's noble choice not only gave Cohen life, but it gave him a dad named Eric and in my opinion, he couldn't be more blessed. Cohen smiles the brightest for Eric, sleeps best for Eric, coos and talks loudest for Eric and I am so thankful for the relationship that is forming between them. I am working no more than 3 days a week, so I am still home a lot, but miss him so much while I am gone. Needless to say we are really enjoying life and the blessings we are experiencing.

8 weeks

2008-05-16T09:11:00.001-07:00

Our last dr appointment Cohen weighed in at 11 lb 14.2 oz....that was a about 10 days ago! We go for his shots and 2 month check up on tuesday. He is talking/cooing like crazy and loves to lay on his back and kick his legs and just talk and sing. He is still just really alert and looks at bright colors. He loves his mobile on the swing and on his crib. Eric is such a great dad! He is so good with him and has had several times where he has been the primary person caring for him. Once for almost 2 days when I had a really busy weekend with work and with mother's day and stuff. He is a natural, but I never doubted that! My first mother's day was great! I remember this time last year how sad I was on mother's day, having a pity party for myself because I had not yet gotten what I thought I wanted. I am so thankful for Cohen! He is such a wonderful addition to our family.

5 weeks, 5 days old!

2008-04-29T18:04:00.001-07:00

just a random night of random pics i thought i'd share. also, I tried to video him with my camera, so there is no sound, but he's moving around and stuff, and sorta smiling! Eric took this last one....his two fav. people with bed head!!!

loving life

2008-04-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I must say, mommyhood is way, way better than I expected. Way more fun, way easier (so far) and yet more intense at the same time. I love being a mother to this little baby boy. Cohen and I thank God a lot, especially while he is eating, for his mommy, his daddy, his first mom who chose life for him, for his son who saves our wretched souls, for his beautiful nose, eyes, ears, mouth, sweet cheeks, hands and feet! I was thinking tonight as Cohen was staring up at me while taking his bottle about all the people who comment on how alert he has been and is for his age. Now, they might just be saying that, but he really does seem to not be missing much that goes on! It's almost as if he knows he has been given life, that although abortion was not necessarily even a thought for E, she still chose life over the alternative. So, for example, when planned pregnancies or pregnancies within marriage or within relationships occur, people are generally excited and have high hopes and dreams of the little being growing inside them. But for E, as much as I can imagine, this was obviously not planned and came as quite a surprise, causing fear in her of what was to come, I am sure. I know she had to be thinking of every possible way to make this situation better, easier, smaller than it was in reality. I am kinda rambling, but my point is that as I sit holding him I just can't help but pretty frequently think of how he came to us...about how he could've been aborted, his life taken from him before it even started. It sends chills through my body and makes me so thankful to God and so sure of His love for each soul at conception. He has plans for Cohen and Cohen is a gift to us, a blessing, one that we don't deserve but by His grace and mercy will enjoy for as long as He allows. I really really love adoption. I will say again how perfectly it mirrors what Christ did for us, giving us a new life with a purpose!!! God will do great things in and through Cohen, I just know it. It is my priviledge to pray for him and guide him into adulthood. Do biological parents feel this way too?

Yesterday was my first day back to work...longest 12 hours of my life! It wasn't so bad though since I knew he was in awesome hands! Eric had him all day long and they had such a good time together. I am only working one day per week, so I can't really complain, but it was hard to leave his sweet little self that morning!!! They came to eat lunch with me, so that was fun, but harder to go back after lunch! We had a great, really full weekend of family birthday parties and family dinner. Cohen is so blessed by God to have SO many family members who are almost as in love as we are with him! Tonight, I fed him 5 ounces for the first time! He has been pretty consistently sleeping 6-7 hrs at night which from what I hear is pretty awesome for an infant and so I am really thankful for that! We had another couple of showers last weekend and got some really great and much needed things. People continue in their generosity! He seems to be a lot bigger, growing like crazy. I need to get some good pics of him on here so you can all see how different he looks from the first week! I'll get right on that!

We are alive! and doing quite well!

2008-04-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone! I will start by admitting that I am not so much a good multi-tasker at home. I am a great one at work, but I really don't like multi-tasking, so I haven't mastered it at home, Eric will tell you! So, what I am saying is that with all that has been going on I have totally neglected blogging, which in turn neglects you guys who have so faithfully followed our story and prayed and celebrated with us and so I am sorry that I do not multi task well!!! Here is an update:

I became an aunt, AGAIN!!!!! I am proud to announce the birth of a healthy baby boy, Houston Kenneth Moore to Eric's little sister A.K. He was born last week and had some trouble breathing and eating and so there was a scare that he was not okay, but turns out he is very healthy, no growth of bacteria in his blood cultures and he got off oxygen and came home last night! We have spent all weekend at the hospital and are so thankful that he is healthy and at home with his family!!! God has tremendously blessed our family....we believe Cohen and Houston will be best friends!
E signed her surrender on May 31st, so as of April 10th at 4:30 pm she was unable to change her mind any more. My heart felt and still is heavy for her as I just wonder how she is doing. How hard were those days for her? I am trusting in the Lord that she is okay and that He is caring for her. Please continue to pray for her when you think of us.
Cohen is a growing boy! I don't have a current weight, but he eats like a champ! I think we have hit our first growth spurt this weekend since he has increased feeding to every 2.5 hrs or so. He is just getting loved on from all directions. He seems to be a pretty even tempered little guy. He only gets upset when hungry and then sometimes when sleepy and he just can't quite figure out how to get himself to sleep. We help him along by singing to him and rocking him...spoiling him rotten I am sure! We actually are about to head out the door to a "Diaper Dunk" that Eric's co-workers are throwing for us. They are giving us diapers and wipes of all sizes! We had a shower from my church girls that was so awesome last weekend. He got loved on some more there, too! oh yeah, and I am gaining weight!!!! We have had several friends bringing over dinner to us for the past 3 weeks and it is all SOOOO good. And of course, several have brought dessert...not good for the waist line!

Anyway, I have told Eric to remind me and be sure that I blog again about the hospital and just more about Cohen. so please, don't give up on us, we will keep blogging!!! Love you all!

10 days old

2008-03-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

Cohen is 10 days old about now and is wonderful! He is eating really well, sometimes a little too fast and spits up, sleeping well....during the day!....a common thing among infants, so I am told. But even staying up in the night until 6 am is worth it and I really don't mind! Never thought I'd see this day. His Pops (Kenny, Eric's dad) took some newborn pics of him on saturday which is what is posted. He was so good during the photo shoot! I got to put him in a sweet little train outfit that Eric lovingly refers to as "girly." He looked so precious! We've had tons of company, food prepared, gifts given...people continue to be so generous to us and we are still amazed and so thankful. I am already behind (as usual) on thank you's! We have some showers coming up soon so we went and had a date night/register for Cohen night. His Pops and JuJu kept loved on him while we were away. We went to Macaroni grille, which we love. Eric is really big on us keeping a date night set aside frequently for ourselves. He loves me :-) So all is well here. We are even more in love with this little one brought to us by God and are amazed at His goodness and His love for us. His perfect plan is continuing to be carried out for Cohen's life and for our family. I am anxious about the shoes that I have to fill. I have been entrusted with a helpless, innocent child, one who has been 'set in our family,' one He cares very much for and holds at high priority. I am anxious that I won't be a good enought mom, or that I will mess him up in some way. Thank God for his mercy and grace that I am in desperate need of as much today as before we began this journey. I am priviledged to pray over Cohen and speak positive things over him at night when I am awake with him as "E" asked me to do. I am privilegded to have known E and to get to share her story and her love for Cohen with him. Speaking of E, she will be signing her surrender tomorrow, don't know what time, but PLEASE pray for her, for peace and comfort about her decision and about her future. This might be the most difficult time of all for her as she goes to court tomorrow to sign these papers entrusting Cohen to us. Man, I am still so amazed by her. I promise to share the hospital story soon, but wanted to brag on cohen a little more! Pray for E!!!

first days....

2008-03-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday to everyone! We are especially happy here at our house. Cohen is doing wonderfully. He is making lots of noises right now in his sleep as I am typing. Cutest thing I've ever seen! I just had some of you request another couple of pics so here they are. As most of you know, when you have a new baby, you are really busy with caring for him but we have also been so blessed to have family and friends welcoming him home, keeping us extra busy! I am dying to sit down to post about our time in the hosptial, with Cohen and with E. I promise soon, cause you all need to hear about how great she is :-) But til I can do that, maybe tonight, here are some more pics! Thanks for loving on us with your comments! We love them and they will be so special for Cohen to read when he learns how!

Also, look how long his fingers are! He is so big already! He holds his head up a little, and this morning, he pushed his pacifier back in his mouth....by himself! We were so proud. We've changed his outfit seventy times cause I can't quite get that diaper thing right. He pee pee'd all over A.K. and was still really cute!

more pics

2008-03-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Cohen Bennet

2008-03-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I CANNOT figure out how to get these really great pics of Cohen onto the page from court's photo album at snapfish, so....I will give you some not so great ones and hopefully get this worked out tomorrow so we can show him off to you all!!! We had a full day, and I do apologize for not blogging well right now! Today was amazing and I am completely in love with another man....Cohen! He is perfect and healthy and doing great. E is doing okay, considering. I will post more later, but we are all doing well. Thanks for you prayers, now you can enjoy with us the fruit of our and your labor (in praying:-)

NEWS!

2008-03-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

As of last night, E was at the hospital and ready for her C-section. She evidently had one with her son, so she is having one this pregnancy also. We have been praying all night for E, the baby and the doctors, and trying to get a little sleep. The sleep part hasn't really happened for me that well. We are calling the Bethany cell phone at 9 am today to find our more details and to find out if and when we can come to meet our little one!!! PLEASE PRAY for E, for the birthparent counselor that she will be able to minister effectively to E, and that God would be with the sweet little child. Pray for peace and comfort and discernment for us all. More to come!!!

STILL waiting

2008-03-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

We heard from Carolyn this morning. Still no news. They informed us that E has passed her due date..................... and that they would let us know when something changes. They don't know when her next Dr. appointment is but the assume soon. Just wanted to let you all know that we know nothing more. Can you tell I am tired of waiting??? Just being honest here. We are just so darn excited and can't hardly stand it! Oh well, it will come. I am sure it is difficult for Bethany because they have to care for the best interest of the birthmom, the baby AND us. Me and my sister in law, Abby, decided yesterday this would be a stubborn little child! Either that or late all the time like me! Keeping you posted.......

Due Day

2008-03-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, March 16th has come and almost gone (for us anyways) and still no baby. We have heard nothing at all. No news good or bad. So we are STILL waiting. The anticipation is crazy! We rented No Country for Old Men tonight and are about to watch it so that we can just take our minds off things for a while. Maybe it will work. While waiting this weekend for the call, we had a great time! Got to attend Luke McCrary's wedding (my friend Megan killed in 2004 by drunk driver...her brother), had dinner with good friends for Hollie's Birthday, attended church at my parents church, went to TPAC to see Camelot and went to a homecoming party for my cousin Jordon who just got home from Iraq. Full weekend and had a lot of fun, but never really stopped thinking about our baby. Normal, I guess. So, we will keep you all posted, as usual, as soon as we hear anything. Keep praying for peace for both Eric and I and for E and for health and a safe delivery for the baby and E. Love you all!

Melita...we love you!

2008-03-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Melita, I always knew you were much more resourceful and creative than me! We love those names and I when I saw them this morning I immediately called Eric and he did, too! I am just now getting home to post from this morning, but we have made the decision. Cohen Bennett Moore or Marley Faith Moore should soon be joining us! We have sent word to E and along with the reasons for choosing these names. I hope she likes them. I hope she is doing well. Eric spoke with Bethany today and they said as far as they know, she is fine and still no news. But we do have names and can stop looking now!!!! Isn't this so fun! Okay, so I will post again soon, especially if I hear anything. We love you all so much and I know that Cohen/Marley will too!

names...

2008-03-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

The names that we have for first names are definitely

Cohen -Boy

Marley- Girl.

Prior to reading the comments on the blog, we had talked last night about doing Marley Faith, in honor of E's reason for picking us as adoptive parents. I'll bet she said the word 'faith' 10 times during our meeting. Then, for Cohen, we thought of doing a french name instead of African since E has some type of educational degree having to do with french language, according to the paperwork. Her parents are Togolese, and when I researched it, the main language spoken there seems to be French. So, we just looked through and found some that we liked, and found Cohen Blaise. The meaning is not significant though. It would just be a french name in honor of her country.

Any other suggestions are more than welcome. Natalie and the Binges, please comment back, I would love to hear your suggestions. And everyone else, too. The boy name is really the one we are struggling with.

waiting....again

2008-03-11T22:47:00.001-07:00

Well, waiting seems longer for some reason when I know the baby is really coming. The days drag by, especially when I am working. I seriously checked my phone 20+ times today. Not joking. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

E went to her doctor visit end of last week and all is well as far as we all know. She is still feeling very nauseated all the time. And guess what... she called asking for the names we plan to give the baby depending on if it is a boy or a girl. If you are like me, you are probably thinking, hmmmm...wonder why she wants to know that??? You may not believe it, but she wants to put the name we have chosen for the child on the original birth certificate. What is going on here....this is not like I pictured at all. Turns out I am not the smartest one, nor the one who should be in charge. So, we emailed back, giving the first names, but still have not settled on middle names. Natalie in S.Africa...any suggestions?

We'll keep you posted. Keep praying for E and for baby!

one week and counting.....

2008-03-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

Well, E is due to deliver in one week, unless of course she comes early and Eric and I are beside ourselves with anticipation and excitement. We just really can not wait to meet this child. I can't wait to hold him/her and kiss his/her sweet cheeks. I have thought of E every day since we met her, praying for her each time I think of her. I feel a closeness to her that I wonder if she feels to me. Probably not. But I just can't help it. I have a deep sense of love and gratitude for her. Even if she decides to parent, I still think I will feel these feelings toward her. I really believe that God placed us in her life, even if it doesn't end up being for very long. I completely expect that we will be eternally linked through our child, but again, she has a choice to parent or to place the baby with us. As much as you think you want to prepare yourself for the worst, I have also found myself not being able to do that. I can not make myself feel a detachment from this child and this mom and I don't want to. Eric and I have decided that we are going to give all our love and prayer and feelings and devotion to this family starting 10 days ago, no matter what could or will happen. If she chooses to parent, then we can at least know that we gave her a choice. It will be more difficult on us this way. But we feel that the baby and E deserve nothing less. I don't want to think back on this time and feel like we gave less than we could've to the experience just because we wanted to protect ourselves from hurt. We have already experienced some fairly significant hurt and we are still living, still breathing, still here....so if the outcome hurts, I think we'll make it. However, I think this will turn out just fine!

Sooooooo, to answer your question, Tracy, I will say again, we are ecstatic, jumping for joy, crazily giddy about being parents. Eric looked at me the other day and actually said, "I'm like....giddy" with a huge grin on his face. Not sure if I said this in the last blog, but he was just so precious when I told him E had chosen us. Sticking his head in my chest, crying, laughing, kind of in disbelief...he was so cute. I love doing this with him. I love life with him. I can't imagine it without him. Good thing I don't have to. We had fun today, running erands, grocery shopping, and of course doing a little baby shopping, too! We actually just finished staining and painting a little chest of drawers and a really awesome toy chest for the baby's room. We did some 'cleaning out' to make room in our 'cozy' home for this new little one to join us. oh, and Riley is really excited (our dog). She wags her tail like crazy when we talk about baby.
girl name: Marley
boy name: Cohen
What do ya think??? We don't have any really great middle names, but are thinking of doing an African name in honor of E. We'll see. We are on top of the world and will share with everyone when we know something. One week and counting......

I also want to remind myself by writing typing this "aloud".... or saying it to someone else....
My God who has been faithful to me time and time again in countless ways and instances, despite ME....is faithful to this child who is inside of E and to the child, whether this one or a different one, He will bring into our home forever. This journey isn't so much about me or about Eric and I being able to experience parenthood, as it is about God's faithfulness and His love and His provision.

Praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord all my life. I will sing praise to my God as long as I live...Blessed are those who put their hope in the Lord their God. He is the Maker of heaven and earth and the ocean. He made everything in them. The Lord remains faithful forever. He stands up for those who are beaten down. He gives food to hungry people...The Lord lifts up those who feel helpless...The Lord watches over the outsiders who live in our land. He takes good care of children whose fathers have died. He also takes good care of widows. But he causes evil people to fail in everything they do. The Lord rules forever. The God of Zion will rule for all time to come. Praise the Lord.

Psalm 146

amazing

2008-03-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning we went to meet the birthmother. As you can imagine, anxiety, nervousness, excitement, anticipation.....so many emotions running HIGH in the Moore house. We have learned so much and our hearts have been changed so much about this person we call a birthmother. What should her role be, she would know her? Will she like us? Will we love and respect her or fear her? After several months of this adoption journey, experiencing God sized things, He is again allowing me to experience things that are from Him, and such a blessing. Thursday night, Eric and I just talked and talked about what we want to know about her, what do we want her to know about us....we debated on not seeming too excited, for her sake, or should we seem excited and not worry about what it looks like. After all, as we have said before, this is a very difficult place to be and thing to have to deal with, and we don't want to make it harder, right??? We finally decided that being ourselves was most important and really focusing on her was important. We ended the evening with a sweet time of prayer together of her, for us and for the baby.

And then, Friday morning came! Of course we got there early and talked with carolyn a while about new info about E (This is what I will refer to her as so I can stop typing 'birthmom.' When E got there, they came in and told us she was "very nervous" but happy to be there. We walked in to find a beautiful African woman sitting in a chair, seeming a little shy and I could feel her nervousness. We introduced ourselves and then a moment of silence.....I asked her how she was feeling, she said very nauseated as she has been the entire time, but all in all pretty good. Leslie (birthmother counselor) asked E to share with us what she liked about our profile and why she chose us. E began to tell us of how important her faith is to her and she loved that it is the number one thing for us, too. She proceeded to tell us of how she came into the situation that she is in, what the circumstances were and why she has chosen adoption. She is from Africa, with the rest of her family still living in Africa. Her English was pretty good, but she had a very thick African accent (is accent the right word to use here??? what i mean is that you could definitely tell she is not american) I am not going to share all the details on this blog about her situation for many reasons, but mainly because I want everyone to know something more about her. This woman is so amazing. Several posts ago, I wrote about what I felt like a birthmother might be going through and how that we want to honor her decision to choose life and to be so selfless that she puts her childs needs and well being before herself. Well, we are getting the opportunity right now to do that for E. She shared with us her belief about abortion and then about what she knows about herself and her limitations. She knows that she cannot possible give this third child (she's a single mom of 2, working full time) the life he/she deserves or will even need. She was just so amazing and beautiful sitting there, with so much humility....really, a ton of humility. It has been a while since I have seen that kind of humility and that amount of it displayed and carried out in a person. While she was humble and seemingly fighting some shame, we still sensed an enormous amount of strength coming out of her. Eric asked her if there was something that she really wanted us to be sure and tell our child about her, here was her response: "first, please teach him/her about God and Jesus and teach how to have relationship with god. But second, please tell him/her that I did not give him/her away because I did not love him/her but because I love him/her so much. I cannot be selfish and want to keep the baby just because it is mine when I know I cannot take care of it and provide for it. Please tell him/her how much I love him/her.....oh, and just love him/her with all you got."
E loves music, she loves to sing and play guitar and she even writes songs! She loves the color purple and lasagna (other than african food) even though it isn't healthy, she says! She comes from large family, she is one of like 9 children, I think. Her father is a pastor in Africa, and her parents have been married for a very long time.

I keep reading over this post, wanting to change things or write different things, because I just am not doing a good job of giving what took place yesterday the justice and weight and beauty that it is deserving of. It was the most amazing, most humbling, most Godly thing I have ever been a part of...ever. She was wonderful and we love her so much. She has been on my mind since we left and I bet this is just the beginning of that.

We've been chosen!!!!

2008-02-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

As some of you may already have heard, we were chosen as the prospective adoptive parents of a healthy african american infant who is due to enter this world March 16th,2008!!! Praise be to God! We got a call Monday before last that our profile would be shown to a caucasian woman expecting a healthy caucasian child. We were so excited, but seriously shocked that after only 5 weeks of waiting we were being shown to a white mom. I have so prepared my heart and my mind for my little black or biracial child, since these are so much more commonly shown to families who are open to either race, early on. We agreed to be shown, only to get a call last friday (just 5 days after getting the first call) that we were going to also be shown to another expectant mother who is from Ethiopia. We are now even more in shock that 2 moms are viewing our profile! We were so encouraged and excited just to be shown at this point in our wait! We waited all weekend to hear something on Monday. Monday came and no calls. Tuesday came and the call did come. The white mom had not chosen us. She had decided to go with an independent family (one not with Bethany). Surprisingly we were so let down. I really never had a great feeling about the first situation, but was just chalking it up to being nervous. But somehow, even though we were pretty prepared that it wouldn't happen this time, disappointment was so thick and heavy. We talked a little, sat in silence a little more, and cried some too. I don't think it was about this specific situation that we were sad, it was just about the potential of having a child in our home, finally, and then having that potential stiffled. We really were so sad. Wednesday at work was a half day for me, and I got another call. It was Carolyn. I thought, 'oh, i'll just take the call really quick, I'm sure she is gonna say that we weren't chosen this time, but maybe next time.' After all, it HAS only been 5 weeks....I can find more patience than that! "Mandy...can you talk?" "Yes............" "I'm calling to tell you that you and Eric have been chosen as adoptive parents for an african american baby due on March 16th!!!" "WHAT!!!!!!" I literally screamed in the phone. And then, just 12 short hours later, I am crying tears of joy, at the news of our becoming parents to our much loved, much wanted, much anticipated child!!! I finally was able to get home to tell Eric in person, and guys.... I have never ever seen him so real, so vulnerable, so sweet and tender. He just cried in my arms and we just were literally floating. He kept saying, 'I'm just so happy...so, so happy!' It was an amazing day. I loved Wednesday. Wednesday's used to always be my favorite day, cause we got to go to Wed night church, which I loved. It was again a great day. So there will be much more to come. Please be praying for us on Friday morning. We will be meeting the birth mother. Pray for her and for her unborn child.

While we are ecstatic, please also be praying for a certain amount of God's protection over our hearts. We want to enjoy this time of anticipation and excitement, but also know that all we are doing at this point is giving her a choice in the midst of her unplanned pregnancy. Although she has chosen to make a plan for adoption for her child with us, she is still this baby's momma and will be needing lots of peace and wisdom and clarity for decisions she will be making very soon. Please, please, please, I am pleading with you that if you don't pray another time for us or haven't yet, pray for this special woman who has chosen life for her child. She is in a place that I can not pretend to understand and I do not envy her. Every person is created in God's image and deserves love, respect and dignity. Our hope and desire is that we can be used by God to minister to her in some way through this difficult situation... no matter the outcome. So please.....pray.

names

2008-02-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

I walked in to room 9 in the ER on Saturday afternoon to find my patient, a fairly young woman, who was moaning, rolling in bed, and having a petrified look on her face. She appeared to be in a huge amount of pain....but only every few minutes...and here is what followed...
me- "what's hurting you?"
her-"my stomach!"
me-"show me where..." she pulls back her blanket and I find a large belly...
she says- "no one knows, but................I'm pregnant........."
me- "when was your last period?"
her- "i don't know"
me- "2 or 3 months, 6 or 9 months...?"
her- "could've been 9............"
my mouth drops a little, doctor walks in about this time. He checks her and she is dilated to 9 and fully effaced......still hurting every few minutes.... wow, she is about to have a baby.....
her "what's happening, why am I hurting?"
me " you are about to give birth!"
she suddenly looks MORE terrified than she already is....
her"get it out!"
me "baby, I can't, we need to get you to labor and delivery so you can deliver your baby.
can i call anyone for you?"
her- "there is no one to call, and no one knows....when can I leave?"
my mouth drops a little more.
me- "i don't know, probably tomorrow...."
and then the dreaded question... "are you planning to keep the baby?"
and the dreaded answer.... "no"
me "have you made a plan for the baby?"
the even more dreaded answer, "no"
my mouth is now on the floor.
It honestly took all I had in me not to say, 'it's gonna be okay, we'll take it"
I didn't, but wanted to.
I immediately begin to roll her upstairs, fairly quickly, since this baby was coming and we did NOT want to deliver it in the ER. on the way up, her water breaks and and so i begin to run down the hall, her moaning and hurting, and probably holding on for her life. I got her in to L&D, and no sooner than I was walking back down the hall with an empty stretcher, I began to sob. What in the world just happened? Did a girl really just tell me she doesn't have a plan for her baby, but she doesn't want it??? And did I really have to be the one to be her nurse? Why am I crying? Why am I all the sudden so effected by this again? I have been fine for a while about infertility and about letting other people's circumstances and choices have an effect on my emotional state. Here is this girl who has an unplanned pregnancy, so ashamed of it that she's told no one and wanting to get away from there as soon as possible. I say these things only to communicate what MY emotions were. Let me say that I do not know her situation and don't know what circumstances her pregnancy happened under, and frankly I am not willing to pass judgement on her for her situation or decisions for any reason. So that's clear.... It was difficult to be in this place, I kept thinking in my head, "I am right here, with open arms" While I was sad for myself and Eric and for our infertility and desire to be parents, I found myself being more sad for this child. I cannot stop thinking about him/her in the hospital all alone, no mommy, no daddy..... no name. I found out later that the baby came very shortly after she arrived and was healthy as far as they could tell....praise God!!! I don't think mom stayed.

I have hesitated to write about this. I just feel so burdened for that little child. I know that I can trust God in His plans for me and Eric. I know that I can pray for that child and I will continue to. I can pray for that mom, who may or may not know exactly what she has done. I have since then decided that picking a name for our child to be is so important. Not for the meaning, or how it will sound with our last name, or how it will be spelled or any of that. Just that he or she will have a name. More importantly someone to take care of him/her who cares enough to give a name. My previous entries have elluded to the fact that I do not believe that all birth parents do not love their children. I believe they do in many cases. I am only saying that orphans need care, no matter what the circumstances of the adoption are/were. They need love. They need a name, like Adam gave the animals and his wife names in the beginning. And like God has given me a new name in His gift of salvation. So, although you may all be feeling this post is soooo random, and it may very well sound jumbled and unclear. I have experience another of many events that will cause me to think, to hurt, to reflect, to have joy. I am thankful that I can still feel and have not become hardened. I am thankful for adoption and for names and plan to get to work on finding one for our child.

care for the helpless

2008-01-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

http://boss.streamos.com/real/familylife/hopefororphans/DRtalkMDSS.rm

I would really love it if everyone who loves me would listen to this little talk above! Let me know what you think.

and we wait.

2008-01-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

I went yesterday for a meeting with Carolyn, our original caseworker, to go over our service plan and our preferences about everything and to turn in 4 copies of our profile. I am so tired from working on that thing! I have been working some night shifts which also makes me tired and then working on it at the same time and trying to find the right lettering and the right folders....I am glad it is complete! Eric was reading through it again today and found some places where I left out a word or something...and I really didn't care!!! Hopefully whoever is reading will get the idea. Some of you have been asking about what I mean when I say "preferences" so for anyone else who is wondering.... When a birthparent is in need of an adoptive family, there are many different things to be considered as far as which profiles (families) to show her. For example, if she is wanting to meet with the family and the child monthly or to exchange last names and phone numbers and we are not willing to do these things, then we would not be a match for her and would not be shown to her. This is so that what the birth parent wants is able to happen and the adoptive family is able to be comfortable as well with the arrangements. Keeps it from getting messy, I would think. So we filled out a 3-4 page list of preferences about the situation with birthparents, about her drug or alcohol usage, about her family history, about what we are okay with as far as meeting her before hand and being at the hospital when baby is born, about traveling to other states....etc! At first I felt bad about making preferences. But, Carolyn helped me understand that we are not trying to meet the needs of every birth parent, but only one. And, these decisions will effect us the rest of our lives. So, we have to be honest with ourselves about what we want.

Now that we have done all of this, we will just wait. From now on, we will only hear from Bethany when:

A situation with a birthmother closely matches our preferences and they want to show our profile but we had put that we would consider something, but would want more details at that time..... they would call us with those details of her situation and decide whether we wanted to be shown or not.
An office from out of state calls and we are a match to be shown. They will not just send our profile to other states without telling us because there are different laws in other states and sometimes even more fees. They will first call us and tell us what the laws and fees are in that particular state and then we will decide if we want to be shown.
We are chosen!!!! At this point it would mean that a birthparent has been matched with us, viewed our profile and decided that she wants us to adopt her child. We will then, ideally meet with her sometime prior to the birth. If everything goes well, then we will be her adoptive couple unless she changes her mind during the revocation period (the 10 days after she signs the waiver of her rights, which is signed 72 hrs after the birth)

This is a lot of legal stuff going on, huh?! I know this is long, but I wanted to share something else. I have been experiencing some major negativity in regard to us adopting from people here lately. Just this past weekend, several random people and especially people from work, have been questioning it, giving their unwanted opinions and so on. I have been asked, "why do you want to make your life harder?" and "there is major legal risk when you adopt...have you thought about this?" I have been told, "children ruin your life" and "you don't get to do anything you wanna do...ever" and "being a mother kinda sucks" seriously, this is just a few of the comments, but some good examples. At first, I must admit, I was letting it get me down a little. Then, I started to think about how really selfish we are as humans. These people who are saying these things to me are basically saying that I shouldn't mess up my life while I still have the chance. I could type forever about this, but I guess mainly, I just want to say that I am so thankful first of all for my parents who did not feel this way about children or about me. It is evident that they loved me and wanted me and I am who I am today because of them. It makes me wonder what these people are like as parents and with their kids. Second, I want to say again that I believe God is preparing me to be an adoptive mom. With this preparation, comes persecution, because Lord knows we will experience plenty of this in our lives, whether we adopt or not....just being a christian and striving to live a Godly life is reason enough for persecution in this world. It is kind of disturbing to see such a selfish attitude regarding their own children and it just reminds me how much we ALL are in need of God's forgivness and of the blood of Christ. I know that parenthood is a huge challenge, and that life will not be the same after children. I know that there will be hard times, good times, bad times and happy times. But, as I told many people this past weekend, the alternative to adoption, is that these children are either aborted or they go to orphanages and/or are in and out of foster homes for the rest of their lives. Adopting a child seems small to me when I think of what Christ did on the cross. The Almighty God took a chance on little old me with no gaurantee that I would choose Him, even if He sent His son to die, but He did it anyway to give me a choice of eternal life or death, of slavery or freedom, of love or isolation. These people just don't get it.

still profiling...

2008-01-10T13:06:00.000-08:00

We heard from Bethany again and we have an approved homestudy!!! For all you people who don't know about all this stuff, this is a really big deal! From this point on we potentially can adopt at anytime. Really big deal. So, needless to say, we are excited...at the potential and just at being DONE with the homestudy!!! I am going next Wednesday to go over our service plan and give her our profile. The service plan is the necessary tool for our social worker to help know us and know what we want and don't want in a child and in the situation. Eric and I are in agreement on all of the service plan which, if you know us well, you know that that is in and of itself a big deal...we don't always agree :-) Anyways, today I have been working on the profile again and I really just don't like what I have done so far. It is SO difficult to try to communicate on paper who we are as a couple. There are so many things that I would say to her if we were able to sit in front of her, and so many things I want her to know about us. However, there is limited space in this thing and I don't want to be too wordy, like I can tend to be. Everytime I think I am doing good, I think of more things I want to put in there, that are important and then I end up starting over, or rearranging, or something. I did not expect this to be that hard. Also, the page size is 8.5 x 11 instead of the scrapbooking size which is 12x12. There just isn't enough room! I am about to work on my letter to the birthparents right now, but I just wanted to blog real quick. My friend Laurie has agreed to help me narrow done and organize tonight, so I am excited about that. I have one week to finish!

a christmas story

2008-01-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting to get a picture of this awesome event that happened on Christmas so that I could share with you all. The entire Christmas holiday was wonderful for us. We got to see ALL of Eric's extended family, which we don't usually get to do, and it was great. I didn't have to work this year, which was also great. This time last year had a very different feel to it. God has really brought us a long way in the past year and it is good to have reminders of where we've been so that we can be thankful and humbled by where we are today. So, when we really didn't think Christmas could be any better, and we were about to go to Amy and Bryan's to celebrate with them and love on Aubrynne :)... my brother asks me to go sit by Eric and everyone got really quiet. I didn't know what was going on. Someone handed me a card and as I began to open it, with my mind flooded with all the possibilities of what could be about to happen, I heard Courtney say something that neither I or Eric ever expected to hear. "We are giving yall a money tree," she says.... I turn around and there she stands with a little baby Christmas tree with baby necessities as ornaments and a baby toy as the star on top. I look closer and realize there are $100 bills stuck down in the ornaments on the tree. I then began to realize what our sweet family had done. They had all given money to go into our adoption fund! The thought of this generosity, as you all can imagine, brought mine and Eric's eyes to tears and truly filled our hearts with humility and love. Then, they gathered around us and prayed. We prayed for our child, for the birthparents, for our hearts as we enter a waiting phase, and for us as parents. They prayed for peace and guidance for us as we make decisions. We thanked God for His faithfulness and love for us. I know I was thanking Him for His care for this child that He will be bringing to us. It was such a sweet time and we are blown away at the thoughtfulness and the generosity and graciousness we have been shown. We want to largely thank everyone, AGAIN, for this Christmas event and then to everyone who has prayed, sent money, loved on us, kept up with this blog, and just for everything. We are SO blessed to have such strong people surrounding us, praying for us and suppporting us. I don't know what we'd do without you all.

I also want to just say that this caused me to think about when we first thought of adopting and began feeling led to it. We were both so overwhelmed by the money that it took and did not know where it would come from. We tried to figure out ways to get all the money and figured out how long it'd take to save it all up, and then I felt sad and uneasy, because I just knew that this was where we were supposed to be and felt that this was the right timing. The more we worried over it and thought about it, the more we wanted to step down and decide maybe we should just wait a few years and then try and adopt. Not to say that it would've been a bad choice, if we had waited, but I definitely see God's faithfulness to the financial side and in our decision to move forward with it regardless of it not making total financial sense. We have been given at least a third of what it will cost and we just feel SOOOO grateful, blessed, extremely humbled and honored. I am praying that I will continue to be this mindful and this intentional with events in my life for all my days on earth, cause it's so much better to know God, to see Him working, to grow in my relationship with Him and to experience His goodness.

profiles

2007-12-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

At my interview last week, I was able to read through some of the profiles that other's have done. As I sat in the family room at Bethany, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions for the birthmother. I read this one dad to be's letter to her. He was telling her how courageous and brave that she is in her decision to choose life for her child. He was telling her how that he did not know if he could do the same if he were in her shoes. He was so real and honest that it caused me to really think as if I were in her place for a moment. I just sat and cried, thinking of what she will go through. Separation, grief, loss... of her child. I know that this is reality and that these situations are what they are. I understand that it was their choices that got them there in the first place. But then I also know all the bad decisions I have made in my life and a lot of bad ones many of you reading this blog have probably made. I have not yet suffered consequences like the ones that she will suffer in making this decision. I deserve it as much as she does. I cannot judge her or look down on her because of where she is. I used to generally judge birthmother's, although not purposefully. When we started this process, I remember feeling this same sadness for the children that are orphaned...and thinking, 'what good person could abandon her baby?' While I know this does happen and situations aren't always good intentioned, I have learned that a lot of birthmother's are acting out of courage, not shame... strength, not weakness. They are in reality, not a dreamworld, and taking responsibility for the place that they are in and the place that they have put this innocent being in. And so, as I was saying, I felt so overwhelmed with emotions of sadness and heart ache for the mother of my child. She will experience something that I hope to never experience. I commend her for her love for her child which drives her to choose life for it and choose a better life than she can give to it. I hope that when faced with such adversity and difficult decisions, I will have the same amount of character.

single interviews

2007-12-27T20:09:00.001-08:00

The single interviews went great. Again, this was a very comfortable, easy process. No surprises. We are loving Lisa, who is doing our homestudy at this time. The interviews were last week before christmas. We traveled to KY for christmas, which was great. We got to see Eric's mom, aunt, brother and cousins. We also had christmas with Julie's parents and Kenny's parents (my in laws) and their extended families. Needless to say we have been busy as I am sure you all have. I love Christmas so much and cannot wait to have a little one around to share it with! On Christmas eve, Julie and Kenny gave us a basket full of baby stuff!!! I was so excited! My family is going to be sure that we are ready for this baby! They are so generous and we love them so much!

Today was our home visit. Lisa came out to the house and got her "tour" which was fun....and short. She had to see our fire extinguisher, fire alarms, bedrooms, bathrooms. She also needed to know how many sq ft our house is and how much land it sits on. Then we sat and talked some more about the next steps of the process and about the birthmothers. Lisa is always the one telling us how "quick we could be chosen...so be ready!!!" So, we got started on our profile tonight. It is really difficult. We are trying to portray our life in about 6 pages. We have to write a letter to the birthparents also....one from each of us. Bethany has really stressed how important the profile is in the decision process of the birthparents. That is a lot of pressure I feel like. But I am trying not to get overwhelmed. Hopefully, we'll be able give a good picture of what we are like and of our families. I'll let you know when we get done!!! We have also been working through the "service plan." This is where we specify our preferences on what types of situations we are okay with having our profile shown from birthmother history to issues with the child. This has been the most difficult thing of all. I find it hard enough to make decisions. I have felt sort of a peace about most of it though. I feel that the decisions that we have made in regards to our preferences are truly from our hearts and hopefully it will be right. I am just so thankful for this process for so many reasons. We are really blessed already and haven't even met our sweet child yet! I can't wait!!!

interview #1, part 2

2007-12-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the couple interview was a breeze...nothing to it really. I am starting to see that they are not having interviews with us to examine us and make sure they want us to adopt. They want us to adopt. They are doing this so that they can write up our home study report and actually have an idea of who we are and what we are like as people. Basically, she just gathered information about us. The neatest part of the time we spent with her was that she actually really knew a lot about us. She had read our self studies thoroughly...you could tell. At one point she was says, "Now, I know how you guys met, about how your girlfriend was dating his guy friend and Mandy, you were like, 'I really didn't even want him to call me' and Eric, you were really into her from the beginning..." and I thought to myself... I put that stuff in there??? It was just really comforting to hear her tell us details of our lives, showing that she wanted to get to know us and makes me really glad that we went with Bethany through this process. I am sure there are other great agencies, but Bethany has just been really great so far. We talked a lot after we got done, just about birth mothers and the things that can go on within different situations. We talked about how "this could happen really fast, you know that right???" I promise she said that about 3 times! No chest pain this time though!

Next week we are both scheduled for our individual interviews. I go first and she will be showing me some examples of profiles from other couples to help me get and idea of what it should contain. Then, when Eric goes, she will be giving him what I think she referred to as a 'service plan'????? whatever that is. Something about that this is when we will specify about how open or closed we want to be with the birthmother after the adoption is finalized and things like that. Then the following week she will come out to our house for the home visit. She said, "The home visit is very casual, I am not coming in with a white glove or anything. You will just give me a tour of your house...." I said, "that won't take long!" She just started laughing. Eric and I just looked at each other at the same time and both said, "no, really, it won't take long" (because our house is so small) I told her we have a very "cozy" home! I am not putting our house down. It is perfectly fine. But for some reason the thought of giving a "tour" of it just makes me laugh. ANYWAY, after that we will pretty much be done with our homestudy and be ready to wait. So for the next 2 weeks we would greatly appreciate your prayers. We have some big decisions that we will be making. We will need wisdom, peace when we have come to a good decision, strength to make those decisions with confidence, unity with each other on the decisions. I am not talking about decisions like what color to paint the nursery, or what furniture to buy, or even what to name our child. I am talking about things like how often we are willing to meet with the birthmother, if at all or what medical problems specifically we can handle, etc. It is just like with all other decisions we make in life, I guess, except that they will stick with us for the rest of our life with this child. Eric and I are different people. We do not always think the same way about things and definitely have different feelings about things. I am really praying that we God would bring us both to the same page. I know He will.

interview #1

2007-12-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow afternoon we have our first of 3 interviews. We go together to the Bethany office at 4:30 for our "couple interview." Lisa, our new social worker, called me on Monday i think it was and I chatted with her for a few minutes. She seems really down to earth and I am excited to work with her. I am hoping that we can get our personal interviews set up for sometime next week, possibly??? And then, the home visit to follow, which I am hoping can be the following week. I still haven't started on our profile yet. We might be needing that soon!!! I am wanting to get that started this weekend. I am not good at that kind of creative stuff. Anyone got any good ideas??? I'll post saturday probably to say how the interview went. I am so excited!!!

comments...

2007-12-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

We have been so encouraged and feel so loved and supported from all of you. So many people have been so interested in what we are doing, so monitarily generous with the garage sale and just with your own personal financial gifts; generous with your prayers, I am sure; generous with your time throughout the day to call and check in and to keep up with our blog. We want to say THANK YOU again. The feeling of being loved and knowing you are supported in your journey makes things so much easier, and much more fun! I love the comments that you guys leave....dad, that last one was a tear jerker and I love you! I love that people like DeeDee Barfield can comment on things, when otherwise I probably would have no contact with her. All this to say that, silly me did not know that I could change the settings so that ANYONE can comment, whether you have an account or not. If you don't have an account, just sign your name at the bottom of your entry so we know who it's from. Keep them coming! They do our hearts more than yall can know.

a little news...

2007-12-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

We got great news this weekend! Friday, after conversation through email about the psychologist and how he doesn't know how to return phone calls or do things in a timely fashion, I was informed by Bethany that as soon as they have our psych report, which should be Monday morning, that they would be contacting us to set up our interviews, with the home visit to follow. In their words....'we are in great need of families and would like to get you through the process.' There are normally two domestic social workers, Carolyn and Amanda. We have been working with Carolyn so far, and Amanda recently went out on maternity leave. So, because of Carolyn being so swamped, i guess, they are switching who we will be working with. Lisa will be doing our interviews, home visit and writing up our homestudy. I really liked her at orientation. She deals mostly with the international adoptions normally. I don't know why, but for some reason, once again, a wave of reality passed over me. I kinda freaked out again! I know, I know, I have to stop freaking out at the thought of being a mother! Sometimes I think that some of you, after having read my blog, think I am some deep thinker or whatever, but just to give you an example of how not deep my mind thinks...when I think of being a mom, and start to freak out, in my head I am saying, 'oh, shoot! oh shoot! oh shoot!' Deep thoughts, huh? Ha ha, anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know that the next step is near, and we are very excited! It makes me real sad that they are in "great need of families." I hope that anyone and everyone who reads this blog will prayerfully consider how they can specifically meet the need of an orphan. I don't have a clue what that might look like for any one of you, but probably the greatest desire I have in doing this blog is that someone else might be inspired to reach out to a little girl or boy who needs love and support. Eric and I have already been blessed in ways that we would not have been had we not pursued this thing that is so much bigger than we are. We have been challenged in our faith, in our marriage, in our personal lives...already. I never would've dreamed of being in this moment that we are in now, and I have a feeling that it has only just begun. We haven't even met our child yet!

At church this morning, we had a really neat opportunity to meet a group of refugees who were being persecuted in their country for practicing christianity. Women were being raped and beaten, and I actually don't even know all the details. But, instead of denying their faith, they have left everything they know, their country, their way of life, their friends and some family, and fled to smyrna, tn so that they can worship God freely. I think they said there were 80 of them currently. They don't speak our language, have driver's licenses, or have much money. But for them, nothing was worth the freedom to worship and serve God freely. First I want to say what a great country we live in. I have never honestly taken the time to appreciate my freedom. But this morning, I sat in my chair listening to their story and looking into their faces, tears streaming down my face and just feeling an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. Then came a feeling of conviction. Would I do that for my freedom to worship? How am I intentionally reaching out to people today and yesterday and everyday, since I have the freedom to do so? It seems that I have put a lot of energy and focus into this adoption as if that is my "mission" for the year. But I believe God desires much more from me. I hope, with God's grace that I can begin noticing others in need and stop being satisfied with the fact that we are adopting right now. I definitely don't feel this adoption is a prideful thing in our hearts, but can you see how it gets that way at times in regards to us doing our 'good deed' for the time being? Just something I thought about today. I'll post when we hear from Bethany again! Have a great week.

free...

2007-12-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

Again, it has been awhile. We are kinda in a waiting phase right now. As I mentioned before, after we turned in our paperwork, everything is out of our hands now. It's kinda funny how deceiving that my perspective is in this life. My perspective causes me to believe that I actually have control of things, and that in a weird way is very comforting. I have really believed that during the paperwork portion of this process, that I was in control of the outcome, of how quickly we finished and that I could control how quickly we get to our child. But, I am wrong about that. I was no more in control of the paperwork than I am of the Psychologist who did our evaluation and of him turning our report in to Bethany. No matter how many times I call this man, he will not return my calls and for whatever reason, has not turned in the eval yet. I can't make him turn it in, so that we can hurry this thing up. Do yall see how funny this is? We rush, and I mean rush through the paperwork, get our fingerprints and background checks, study ourselves...but quickly (the long self study) all to get to the psych eval and have it take over a month and counting from start to finish to get it completed. 'What the heck is going on?'...i am thinking to myself. Then, I am reminded by a sweet friend of the truth that God is in control. He took us on this journey and He will finish it, in his time. Again, we will be parents, in His perfect timing. I see such a revolving door in my life in the area of control, especially in this phase of growing my family. And the even funnier part is that I like to think that Eric has the problem with control in his life. (sorry babe) I am quick to see his sin, but cannot see my own. Ha ha ha...it makes me literally laugh out loud at myself. Thanksgiving is technically over, but I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded, cause God really knows how I like to float around a lot. I am thankful that He is in control of everything, and promises that He always will be. This is a truth that I used to not really get, or like. I have frequently been held captive in a sense, regarding God's control in my life. The idea of Him being completely in control, when from the wrong perspective can feel that way. Maybe none of you have ever felt this way. I have always heard the phrase, 'there is freedom in Christ' and I believe that this is one way that I have truly experienced this freedom. I am not a prisoner or a puppet of God's, due to his control. Nope, not at all like I once thought. I am free. Free to live my life, free to put aside my shortcomings, my sin and free to just live in his grace and know that He holds the future and the He is in control. AND that His plans for the future are plans to bring me life and to bring himself glory. I can trust Him. I can rest in Him. I can stop worrying. I can enjoy the journey He has us on.

I have spent the past few weeks worrying about if we are ready. Is our marriage ready? Am I ready? What if it comes too soon, or too late? My friend reminded me that I can pursue infertility, adoption, and even specific children, but there is one that is ours, and God will bring that child to us when He is ready.

I talked with Carolyn (our social worker) this week and she told me that as soon as the psych eval comes in, she will call us to set up our interviews. Then we will have a home visit and be completely done and ready to be officially "waiting." She did tell me not to expect to be finished until after the first of the year. I am glad to know this because I feel it gives me a little time to not be wondering when we'll be done. We can just enjoy the holidays. She sent out an email recently of several situations of babies who are in need of homes, some due this week and some due in the next few months. I am compelled to pray for these little ones who have no home before they are even born. Something that the agency encourages us to do while "waiting" is to pray for the children who are in need of families, whether they are to be a part of our specific family or not. As I remind myself how much God cares for orphans, I hope that all our friends and family who keep up with our blog will be inspired to pray for these children as well.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widow is God in His holy dwelling. He sets the lonely in families..." Psalm 68:5-6

"He executes justice for the orphan..." Deut. 1o:18

"Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitude" Psalm 82:3

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and father is this: to visit orphans and widows" James 1:27

"How blessed is he who considers the helpless..."

Psalm 41:1

"psych eval"

2007-11-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, sorry everyone, for not updating sooner. I did not even want to talk about that day last week that was so long and way boring (much more than I had imagined) I am just going to start by saying that we got to the office 20 minutes early (thanks to eric) and we enter the building to find a long hallway lined with a lot of closed doors. To our surprise, all the doors were locked. Even the one "105" which we were supposed to be going into for our appointment. We knocked. No answer. We walk upstairs to find the same thing, long hallway of locked doors. OK...we thought...lets go knock some more. Seriously, no one could be found except this one guy who sells insurance and he doesn't know anything. Then suddenly, about 5 or 10 minutes after 11 a guy comes walking out from behind one of the locked doors and is like, "yall lookin for me?" It was all we could do not to just bust out laughing. where the heck had this guy been? and what was he doing? weird. So, anyways, he procedes to give us a bunch of questions to answer, then we have the oral part of the evaluation. Basically, he just had us talk about our marriage and our "stuff" and what our issues are and all that. Then he gave us some advice and some test questions. We sat in this room, Eric at a desk and me on the couch and began doing this test of questions like 'I would like to be a fireman....true or false' and 'when I get angry I want to smash things' and 'I think about sex during the day' and all kinds of random things like these. Then you would find the same questions worded differently later on in the survey. About what I thought was half way through the test, I thumbed through to the back to see how much more I had to go (this is a common test taking habit that I have....sometimes i like to start at the back and work my way forward, just for fun) and I kept flipping and flipping. Finally I got to the last page....633 questions!!!!! so you know its not a typo...six hundred thirty three questions. I felt this overwhelming sense of dispair. I did not think I could ever answer that many questions that are formatted like these. It was truly really really long and really really boring. Finally we both had finished and once again the guy had disappeared. We were kinda over this whole experience at this point, so we left our answers and test questions on the desk and left...it was 10 til 4!!! That thing took almost 5 hours! Hopefully he returned and found our answers and we don't ever have to do that again. And then, we get to the car and I check my voicemail where I find that many of you had called to see how it went... thanks! But the best message was from my sweet, psychological guru of an aunt, Stephanie....and i quote..."Hey, just wanted to see how it went today, I hope you got to do the MMPI...that one is so fun to do...." The mmpi was the name of the 633 question test we had just finished. I let her know that there is NOTHING fun about the MMPI. All in all, it wasn't that bad.... but of course, we don't know if we have passed or not yet! We are hoping no news is good news. Again, sorry it took so long to blog this time. I just couldn't think about that day before now.
p.s. (I have been very melodramatic in this blog. please, just humor me.)

2007-11-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

so, here is Aubrynne! My sweet niece who is the MOST precious girl. I promise Eric is not drunk.... just a little tired!
Here we are at our yard sale!

This is the first 5 bucks we made!

Let me tell yall about our week. A situation with a brand new baby girl was brought to our attention by some sweet friends at work that had been brought to the ER and would be needing a home. Without going into all the details of how and why this situation occured, I will just say that a need for a family came up, and Eric and I had the opportunity to make ourselves available to take her. When I recieved the call from the ER, it did not feel real...until I talked to Eric about it. When I told him what I knew of the situation, his response was, "What are you waiting for??? CALL THEM!" We hung up the phone, and with my mom as a witness, I began having chest pain, feeling short of breath and feeling like I was gonna vomit!! Some of you may be thinking 'wow, you really aren't ready to get a baby if you are gonna freak out!' You can rest assured, I was not freaking because we might be parents, but just at the thought of my baby being without me...alone...without a name! I have wondered if I will naturally feel that 'motherly instinct' or 'instant bond' with my adopted child. I know, after this week, that I will. I was overwhelmed with worry and an extreme amount of love for this little girl I have never met, seen, held, and quite frankly that was going to be a stretch to actually come into my home. After all, all we were doing was making ourselves available to the people in charge of this baby. It's not like this was actually something we were doing through our agency that actually had potential to be in our home. But it did not matter. If she was to be ours, I wanted her, and loved her, and immediately began praying for her and for her birthmom who is quite obviously in a really bad situation. Realistically though, I tried to keep myself grounded and remind myself that this was a long shot. But it did not matter. I still loved her, and wanted her, and prayed for her. At one point shortly after getting this phone call, I looked at my mom and asked her what on earth will I do with a baby? I don't have any stuff, like diapers and uh, a crib, or clothes! It's really cold outside! My mom calmly responded, "We'll go to target!" I said, "oh, okay...we'll...go to Target." So, we made the appropriate phone calls, to the appropriate people and then just have waited to hear something. I talked with a social worker this morning and it looks like that little baby girl will have a family soon, through the state's custody and provision. I am glad that there are other families waiting to take home little girls who don't have a home. I am glad that I was able to love her so much, so instantly, so unconditionally. I am glad that we got to experience the real possibility of becoming parents. I am happy with our response. I know that God is sovereign and in control, and that He is still preparing us for parenthood. I am really, seriously okay and actually great with that baby girl finding a home through the state program. I rest in knowing that our child will come to us soon enough. And it will be the child for only us. I am not having anymore chest pain or shortness of breath or nausea now that I know I am not separated from my little girl, cause she's not mine! I am also excited that i felt what a lot of my "anxious" patients feel and they never can quite explain it or why they have these symptoms, but the are real. And now I can stop thinking they are making it all up! (just kidding...I am not that harsh, but I am sometimes a little skeptical)

So, it's back to waiting some more, to finish our homestudy. We have sent letters now to our employers for their references and hopefully they will be prompt. Someone asked me today if this event makes me feel more anxious about the wait, or more ready for it to hurry up and be here. I think a little, but not too much. I am still not in 'wait' mode, because we aren't expecting to get a child yet. I still really see good in both sides of it coming fast and then we are parents! But here are the reasons that it is soooo okay that we aren't there yet:

we need to save some major money so we don't have to borrow it!

we get to spend more time together, alone!

we need to be training our dog to be outside

we need to be reading our required books about being adoptive parents

we get to continue preparing our hearts

me and mom have time to find some good material to decorate the nursery

we have time to soak up Aubrynne (our new niece)

we get to enjoy dreaming about what our child will look likel (it's kinda fun)

we get to continue to trust God and experience Him in this time of waiting, in ways we wouldn't if we could just always have our way, when we chose and how we chose. I am convinced and expect that our child will prove to us and hopefully to any of you who are in this journey with us, that God's timing is perfect, His ways are better than ours, and we can learn to be thankful, hopeful people as a result of this truth and how it plays out in our lives.

2007-11-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

We received a letter in the mail today that informed us of the status of our paperwork. We both have to give reference forms to our employers then once they are turned in and one more person turns in their personal reference form, we will move on to the next step...the interviews! We also are going to have a psychological evaluation done on November 12. First of all, this is my birthday. I kinda was being selfish in scheduling it on my birthday, cause Eric has to take off work to have it done cause it takes 3-4 hrs to complete. But, does this sound scary to anyone else... 'psychological evaluation'???? What on earth will this be like? I assumed we'd be able to adopt, but who knows what will happen if Eric and I both have to convince a psychologist that we are sane! I don't think either of us have felt 'sane' in a while now! Some of the people in these groups that we are going to for support have said that they actually try to trick you. There is some kind of validity score/test that is in the evaluation to see if you are being truthful with your answers. I don't do well when I am being tricked....I am quite gullable. May the Lord be with us! We also received our financial statement in the packet today. This basically told us what we have already paid, what we owe, and when to pay. It did not include lawyer fees (which comes after placement of the child) but I felt great about the cost. It was right at what we thought, actually on the low side of what we thought and that is ALWAYS good. I am feeling excited about everything, but still nervous. I am nervous that I am totally gonna be freaked out by bringing a baby into my house, forever. It sounds awesome, but feels crazy. I held my beautiful, sweet, precious, little neice Aubrynne tonight for like an hour or more. She makes me want to hurry up and bring our baby home. I also kept the Vinson boys again today. Tate (the youngest of the 3) is EVERYWHERE! At one point I found myself washing out his cloth diaper that was poopy, by the way, while owen was pooping in the potty right next to me, tate was just sitting in the floor laughing and smiling, while griffin was trying to 'help' me wash the poop out of tate's CLOTH diaper. He was pointing out what he thought Tate must have eaten earlier in the day and just thought it was so great! They began talking about all the different aspects of 'poop' from their 3 and 4 yr old perspectives and I thought to myself, 'This is where you are headed...poop land!' Laurie....more power to ya with the fuzzy buns (cloth diapers) and to having 3 boys who are so wonderful, but very busy! We really had a great time, as usual. I write all this to say that I am excited and curious about this next phase of life for us, but incredibly nervous and hesitant at the same time. I hope that is ok. I also feel really humbled and honestly quite amazed that someone (and God) is going to trust me with a child....on purpose!

I still feel like we are running like crazy right now. I don't forsee it getting better anytime soon. Between my work and then Eric's work and basketball starting up a few weeks ago, we definitely aren't looking at a lot of downtime. Please pray for us that we would make time for each other to strengthen our relationship. Also, that we would keep our priorities straight of what is important as far as our time is concerned. I'll be posting about that psych eval coming up. In the meantime, thanks for "waiting" with us!

amazed and thankful!

2007-10-28T20:20:00.001-07:00

Okay, for those of you who have not heard, our first adoption fundraiser was a success!!! We actually have deposited $1350 into our adoption account! We sold EVERY thing that was donated to us to sell (except a few things for baby that I could not pass up that I would've had to buy new anyway!) Our adoption fund is growing and we are just so amazed that this was so successful. It was fun to hear reactions from people when they learned why we were having the sale and where the money was going. It rained a little on friday morning but still we made more money that day than we did on saturday. I'll tell ya what, people will buy anything! And they love to bargain with you. I would like to say that if it were not for my mom and and Eric's dad on the actual day of the sale, we would've been in major trouble. They were such a huge help getting everything out and somewhat organized, even though there wasn't much time for that. People were literally waiting outside the door for us to bring things out of the garage for them to pilfer through.....seriously, amazing! This was a lot of work, from going around to everyone's house and loading the stuff up, unloading it into our garage, organizing it, pricing it, then organizing some more, and then finally selling it...but it was worth it!

I don't know that I have feel this kind of exhaustion in a while. I really thought on saturday afternoon that I was coming down with the flu. But, no, I was just that dang tired! Eric was as well. My body just ached for some reason. But we got some rest and it's back to work tomorrow. Thank you so much to all of you who donated stuff to us. Obviously, we couldn't have had the sale without you all and appreciate so much your generosity. Thanks also to everyone who has supported us through prayer and just calling to ask how it went and offering help when needed. We love you all and are just truly thankful for your love and support. We are so blessed!

FUNDRAISING!!!!

2007-10-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!!! It is 12:38 am and our garage sale is technically today! I am so pumped! Eric and I just finished putting up some signs and are about to get in bed. My mom came up yesterday to help me price. We tackled the entire garage full of stuff and actually priced it all. Mom, thanks for being such a trooper! We had an overwhelmingly large amount of clothes, at least is seemed that way. Today, as I was dragging them all out, and right in the middle of them all, about to break down cause I just did NOT know where to start or how to organize, Julie and Kenny came driving down the street. I was like, 'Hallelujah!' Julie is the QUEEN of yard sales, shopping them and hosting them! I don't know if I have ever been so happy to see her :-) We got all the clothes semi organized and just in time for Eric and I to head out to the hockey game with mom and dad. Nothing like leaving everything to the last minute and then, packing my day as full as I possibly can! (In my defense, I have been working a little bit crazily lately) We were able to enjoy the game knowing that everything was pretty much ready for the sale. So thanks to our parents! Yall are the best ever! Eric has taken the day off to help me with everything during the sale. So, as a last minute request....anyone who can come out and see us...please do! (and maybe shop a little, too!) Please pray in the morning that our efforts would be blessed. oh, and we will be out on saturday, too! Love you all! Goodnight.

busy-ness

2007-10-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

well, once again, it has been a while. We have been extremely busy this last week or so. I worked night shifts the past two weeks and was reminded about why I did NOT like it! But, the blessing is, that I got to do all the stuff I wanted to do around my work schedule....the beauty of p.r.n. We had our last training last night that we actually have to attend. We will be completing two more in the next two weeks by email. This weeks training was focused on the core issues involved with adoption. They are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy and relationships, and control issues. I was reminded of the separate set of struggles that our child will face in life, in addition to the ones that would've come anyway. My heart felt so heavy and sad for my baby. At first I felt a little uneasy, just at the thought of struggle and difficulty. But quickly my mind went to the thought of how an innocent child is just born with a set of potential struggles that in a better place, would not be. I am feeling very priviledged that we get to parent this child. We will be the ones to help him/her work through these struggles. We will help him know who he is. We will bring him security. We will teach him through our actions about intimacy and relationships. We will model for him healthy boundaries (I hope!) We will accept him just like he is. I know that our baby needs us for all of these reasons. He will need God to be his shepherd through this difficult thing we call life, and with great hope and lots of prayer, we will show him, through our lives and with our love, who He is.

Our garage sale is this weekend, friday and saturday. Please come out and see us! We would really love it! Also, please pray for the sale, that it would go well, that it would not rain, and ask that He bless us immensly! Not because we deserve it, but because we don't deserve it. It's because of His grace that Eric and I are even on this journey. His grace is what sustains me. His spirit leads me. Please, pray that He would extend His grace again, so that we can bring our baby home.

puzzle pieces

2007-10-15T08:54:00.001-07:00

Last week was a tough week. It seemed like more than usual, I saw pregnant women, or learned that friends were pregnant. On Thursday I went to my obgyn with some fullness in my left lower abdomen and just wanted to see if the cyst that was present before was too big or was causing any problems. My doctor was surprised to find that my ovaries are polycystic (I actually do have PCOS) If you don't know, PCOS is not that big of a deal and can easily be treated. Basically it just makes it harder to get pregnant. Well, the funny thing is, that last year before we started started seeing a specialist, I asked my doctor if she thought maybe my irregularity in my periods could be that I have PCOS, and she said no that she did not believe I had it. I felt okay with her answer and went along with the treatment plan of going to the fertility doctor which has ultimately lead to finding out that Eric has some infertility as well as I do. As I was standing there in the doctor's office, I just wanted to scream at my doctor, "I TOLD YOU I HAD PCOS! WHY DIDN'T YOU TREAT ME A YEAR AGO AND WE NEVER WOULD'VE HAD TO GO TO THE STUPID INFERTILITY DOCTOR." It was really all I could do to get out of her office without bursting into tears. I wanted to pray, but didn't know what to say. I wanted to call someone, but didn't know what to say to them either. So I just cried. really hard. all the way to murfreesboro. I was overwhelmed with sadness about our infertility. I wanted to be pregnant, and I was so angry at my doctor and wanted to blame her for our infertility. After a good cry, I began to think, 'what if we had've known that I have PCOS...what would've been different?' I realized that had we known that, my doctor would've treated MY infertility for much longer before sending us to a specialist, with hopes that she could help us get pregnant. But when she sent us to the Fertility Center, we found that Eric has male factor infertility, which eventually led to us deciding to adopt. (go back and read my very first blog) So, in conclusion, God is in control. He knows the child that will soon be needing us. He knows how much we need this child. Only in His perfect timing will we meet this child. We would not be this close to bringing our child home, had things gone differently in the beginning. We might not even have decided to adopt at this point and might have been still amidst fertility treatment. I know that God is sovereign. I think that when we have our child and we are able to look back over the journey, we will see how God took us out of circumstances and took our child from it's circumstances and brought us together. It will be like a finished puzzle. Last week was definitely one of the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

2007-10-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

I just want to say thank you so much to all of you who have responded about the garage sale and also for leaving such encouraging, sweet comments on our blog. We LOVE reading them and really feel loved. In a book that I read called 'Hannah's Hope' about infertility, the author talks about how she just really needed people not to necessarily try to understand what she was going through, but just to give a listening ear, give support, or to just love her well through it. I feel all of those things from all of you. Not just through the blog, but day to day as well. She is right. It makes the loss of your childhood dream for your life (which sometimes isn't even realistic) seem easier to bear and much more 'normal' (for lack of a better word). I feel so excited about our adoption and our new journey in life. I attribute that a lot to the Lord and how He is changing us daily. But I am writing this morning just for you all to know that I believe that He has used all of you to comfort us, to love us, to help us have new perspective, and to turn our hearts toward the Lord instead of away from Him during this difficult time. So.....THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts to everyone! Old friends, new friends, and even perfect strangers....we are thankful for you all.

the best traffic jam ever

2007-10-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, I am sitting on I-24 this morning in what the radio guy called "a parking lot" trying to get to work. This is not a normal thing for me, because most days I work 10 minutes from my house. But, today, I was working at Baptist and had to be there at 8:30. Evidently this is not a good time to be going to nashville for any reason. Okay, so I am sitting in traffic today and all of the sudden, completely out of nowhere, and I mean completely out of nowhere it hit me, 'Our baby is in it's birthmom's stomach, growing....it's alive...it has a heartbeat....if i were to see the birth mom right now, her belly would be sticking out....because she is carrying our child!' I don't know if my brain has just been thinking that the stork was going to drop our baby off on our doorstep, or what I was thinking. But, I definitely had never really thought about the huge possibility that our baby is already conceived and needs care and protection...right now! 9 months is a long time. So, if we meet our child in april, that means that our child was conceived right when we were making the decision to adopt. If it comes earlier, then that means it was even BEFORE we had decided to adopt, that this child was being conceived and was meant for us! Today was another first. I felt very emotionally attached to this child and actually cried with emotion because of how much I was longing for our baby. I want this baby. I want to hold him and say I love you to him. I can already tell that parenting is very emotionally overwhelming. Today, I felt like a Mom.

I am praying now, for our baby. I'm praying for health, protection, nourishment, growth. And for the birthmom, as she could be struggling in this minute with whether to parent or to make an adoption plan or to abort even. I believe this to be the most important, most loving thing that I can be doing...praying. I invite you all to join me in this priviledge to pray for my child.

grace that is soooo enough

2007-10-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord, our paperwork is finished!!! Woo-hoo!!! We actually hand delivered our precious package to the Bethany office ourselves yesterday. We had an infertility consultation/interview. We are so relieved to have that behind us, however, kinda nervous because that seems to make everything so much closer now. In reality, there are several more things that have to happen before we are placed in the waiting family pool. It just seems that since the paperwork was the only part of this whole thing that we really controlled the timing of, that now it's out of our hands. I am so freaked out when I think of suddenly having an infant in my home that I am responsible for. Pregnant people have 9 months to prepare for it all. I want to start getting prepared, so that I am not just crazy when we are chosen. But after going through disappointment after disappointment with our infertility, I feel that I should protect my heart somewhat, and not get ahead of myself or of God. If it is a year before we bring our baby home, I really don't want to be sitting around counting the days until then. So please pray for us that we can find a healthy balance in this.

Talking about our infertility journey again was good, but I don't want to do it anymore! no, just kidding. It was very validating for me. I was encouraged that our feelings of loss, grief, jealousy, sadness, anger, confusion, resentment....all are and were normal. It was really hard to be reminded of the reality that those feelings are not gone from our lives regarding infertility just because we are adopting. It was hard to hear her say that we may even experience some of these emotions despite our new baby being home. It was hard, I think, because I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. Sometimes, I do not like God's plan for my life, at least not at first, I don't. But if anything has come of this struggle, for me, it is that I have found joy in it. Not so much happiness and fun at all times, but contentment with the Lord and trusting that He is working all things for the good of those who love him. I may have said this before, but for possibly the first time in my life, I have found myself in a place of despair, weakness, sorrow, and actually been able to praise God through it. Not ever perfectly, of course. We were at church several weeks ago singing that song Blessed be the name of the lord that they play on wayfm ALL the time. Heard it a million times, but this time, I was singing it and my heart just was arrested again, like it was when he first led us down this path. For once, while in what felt like total darkness, I still really believed that God is there, and real, and intimate and IN CONTROL, and I was so, so glad.

I do not like pain. I do not like infertility. But, by His grace, my heart is slowly learning to like His plan. And the crazy part about it all is that His grace meets me right where I am, never changes...ever, and is completely free.

the waiting..... to finish our paperwork!!!

2007-09-30T18:11:00.001-07:00

Today, we were supposed to be finishing our paperwork, (or should I say ERIC is supposed to be finishing) but Eric has gotten really sick since last night. Hopefully just a 24 hr bug or something, making it almost over! He is on fall break all week long, and so we have great expectations that it will all be turned in early in the week. Tonight I went to Griffin's 3rd birthday which was so fun. I find myself having different emotions about starting our family, as I have mentioned previously. Some days, I try to rush rush rush through everything to get it done and turned in; other days I am calm about it, understanding that we still have to work and sleep and live life while we go through this process. After being at the birthday party, I am back in rush mode again! I am hopeful though, because I know that my desire to be a mom is from the Lord, as is my desire to adopt. Early on in our infertility journey, I used to feel like maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mom. Maybe I was being selfish and sinful wanting to have children. I have since been reminded that this is absoultely not true. I have to admit something else. This is kinda funny, but mostly pathetic. At our orientation, I found myself looking around at all the other couples and thinking, 'are we better than them,' or 'would we get chosen before them'. Also, I would think, 'man, there are a lot of couples here... i wonder if this will lessen my chance to get a baby sooner'...isn't that awful!!! Instead of being so excited that we were surrounded by so many others who shared our desire and would be providing homes for orphans, I am thinking of myself!!! I confessed this to Eric and to my surprise...he was thinking the same thing!!! We both laughed pretty hard about it. Ultimately there is a child for us. No matter if there are 2 other couples or 100 other couples, it will not change the outcome, and I am so glad for that, that we can rest in God's sovereignty. I enjoy this truth in other areas of my life as well. It is very freeing to me.

About the garage sale... I sent out an email, to those of you whose I have. Again, anyone wanting to donate anything to the sale, just call me or email me. If you don't know what I am talking about, go back and read the blog entry entitled 'California Pizza Kitchen.' We love you all so much, and are so humbled by your generosity, both in giving financially and in donation of items.

2 for 1

2007-09-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

We won't charge yall for this second post, I have more to say tonight.

Eric and I had a wonderful treat this weekend. We kept our friends the Vinsons's boys from friday at 3pm to saturday at 3pm. We were so honored and excited that they trusted us with their children...all 3 of them! They have Owen- 4 1/2, Griffin-almost 3, and Tate- just turned 1! (you can click on the link to her blog to your left on the screen to see them) We started the afternoon off with some friendly trampoline jumping with the sprinkler beneath it, spraying them as they jumped, a favorite at the Vinson house! Then Eric got there and of course they had to wrestle a while, play 'tractor tippin' and just run like crazy through the house. Dinner time was interesting; I gave Tate his medicine, which he did NOT like, prepared his food, the boys had pizza, and we had a movie night with Happy Feet. It was rise and shine at 7 am on SATURDAY morning, and they were ready to go again. We had pancakes, then played more, and some more, and some more. Went to the park and then came home to take a nap. And then there were all the in betweens... changing clothes and diapers, making sure no one was in any danger, working out disagreements, etc. I will just say that I have a new respect for all you mom's out there! WHEW! I was tired! Luckily, Laurie had given great guidelines for us and the boys were great. We had a good time. We decided we should be cherishing our down time, rather than wishing it away! Yet, at the same time, it really made us long for our own child who we know will be brought home soon! I didn't even get to take a shower for 24 hrs! oh, and good news... I have a new weight loss plan... bring our baby home cause I definitely won't be having any time to eat and constantly running around! Just kidding. We had such a great experience and can't wait to keep them some more!

the story of my life

2007-09-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! It's been over a week since my last post.... it's also been almost a week since we did stuff for the adoption. The story of my life....I get back to work, get busy, and what happens??? I neglect my goals and I settle in as the biggest procrastinator in the ENTIRE world. I get so frustrated with myself at times, when I start a book but never finish, set out to do really good with my bible study then slack off, start a blog then never blog! Okay, that's enough venting and bashing myself. I am a procrastinator, but I am better than I once was and will keep working on it!

(yall thought we did not have children, but here is a pic of our big baby)

Tonight we did our second session of training. We did not have to go there, she just emails us some literature and questions to do and we do them and email them back by next tuesday. I did not know I would have homework with this! It's all worth it though. The literature was really good, it discussed developmental stages of children and the importance of understanding them when raising adopted children. It talked about the loss and grieving that adoptions brings to a childs life and how how to prepare for and deal with that. Honestly, I start to get really scared and a little reluctant when I read this kind of stuff. I know that it is reality and that this road will bring along issues that come only with adoption. It is times like tonight, when I feel these feelings that I need to go back and read my very first blog, or some of my journaling from a few months ago and I remember that the Lord has guided us to this journey and that He is always faithful to me even in hard times. I know that the Lord's faithfulness and love for us does not exempt anyone from having a hard life, in fact, from our sermon on sunday, persecution, trials and conflict will be a HUGE part of a christian's life on earth. So, I pray for His strength in our weakness, wisdom beyond our years, and an immense amount of love for this child and the ability to love him or her well. We should be turning in our paperwork within a few days, hopefully by friday, but we'll let you know!

Oh...and about the comment from 'christine'... do we know you? do you have anything to say about our adoption journey? Sorry to Maris and Steven if any 'crazies' came knocking on your door....really, really sorry. (I don't do much on the internet, so I didn't even think about stating your last names)

California Pizza Kitchen

2007-09-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first of 8 training sessions for domestic adoption. We carpooled with some new friends, Steven and Maris who go to our church and are also starting the process. They talked about lots of things at training that were hard for me to imagine, having no children yet. They talked about ways to promote attachment for mother and baby, about the loss that goes on, no matter how old the child is and to be mindful and prepared for dealing with those continuously throughout the child's life. Then they talked about a whole bunch of other stuff that made me feel like I was in college again learning about child psychology and stuff.

The best part of the night was definitely California Pizza Kitchen that we went to after the training! (not that the training wasn't good...but you all know how food ranks with me and Eric!) We had such a great time. We really clicked with Steven and Maris and just laughed and talked and ate... my 3 fav. things! I am so, so thankful and happy to know them and to go through this with them. Steven is in a band called Spur58 and Maris works in a obgyn's office. They are super cool and we love them!

Okay, everyone.... Eric and I are having a garage sale to help raise money to go to our adoption fund here in about 2-3 weeks. I am looking at Oct. 12-13. Okay, let's just be real honest for a second....Eric has successfully sold almost everything in our house that he found unneccesary in previous garage sales. (for those of you who have been here to our cozy home, you know we don't have extra "stuff" in our house) So....that being said, if any of you have anything that you would like to contribute to our yard sale we would love it! We thought that it would be a really fun way for any friends or family who wanted to support us financially to do so. For all of you Hendersonvillians, don't worry, you don't have to bring it to murfreesboro or even be present during the sale, we will come and get it from you if you just let us know. We believe so much in what we are doing, and would be so thankful for ANYthing you have to give. Thanks for even considering us. oh yeah, and if you know anyone who is the EXACT opposite of Eric and would actually have garage sale items, feel free to tell them of the cause or foward them the blog. (Eric, you know I love you!)

The other fund raising idea I had was that we could sell tickets to Eric's beat boxing show he puts on here at the house every night. every since Blake Lewis on American Idol, Eric has a newfound love for beat boxing and thinks he and Blake should get together. I quickly realized that this would not generate much money, cause the only person buying the ticket would be yours truly, and my money's already in the adoption fund! (I really do love you baby!)

the waiting

2007-09-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to a support group meeting for families who are either in the paperwork phase or in the waiting phase. The topic of the discussionwas 'What to do while you are waiting.' Some of the women said that they have taken up tennis, or have painted their entire house, just to have an activity to keep her from sitting around and waiting. We heard couples share who were starting their second year of waiting for their child. We also heard from couples who have experienced failed adoptions, death of children, miscarriages, very long periods of infertility, etc. As we drove home last night, Eric and I both had the same feelings and thoughts about the meeting; we are so excited to get to know some of those couples who are in the same walk of life as we are; we are scared of the waiting, and we really hadn't given that much thought; but mostly, we felt humbled because it seemed that many of the people in that room had struggled much more than we have, and still have a strong faith in the Lord and have not given up hope. Eric said that for possibly the first time since all this started, he actually stopped feeling sad for himself and his heart went out to those other families who are waiting.

One of the social workers really made a great point. There are periods of waiting on the Lord in all of our lives. For her, it was her waiting to be married. She did not marry until she was 35 years old. She said that the wait was well worth it because now she is married to godly man who she couldn't imagine herself without. I know that waiting will be hard, but that in God's perfect timing, He will bring us to our child, and I can rest in that. So, my request is that you all help me remember this truth when we are getting discouraged along the way!

A few nights ago, I was asking Eric to tell me about his feelings about where we are right now. He began to tell me of his feelings about adoption, but also his lingering sadness about our infertility. I was so upset when I first heard him say that. I was really wanting him to say that he was okay with not having a biological baby...because to me that means that he can't possibly be feeling good and confident about adopting. I was really just blown away by his response. He helped me to see that our infertility journey and our adoption journey are two totally separate things. It is okay and very normal for us to have excitement about adoption and sadness/grief about infertility, at the same time. Just because we will soon be parents through adoption, doesn't mean that the hurt of not being able to conceive at this time won't still be real sometimes. This idea felt so freeing to me! This may not make a lot of sense to most of you, but it was just really great to hear him process that the way he did and then be able to help me see it, too.

God uses Eric to humble me, love me, sharpen me, and teach me all the time and I am so blessed for that.

adoption-a-holic

2007-09-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well, in the past 4 days, I have been an adoption-a-holic! I have been fingerprinted. I had a background, criminal record check yesterday. I have gathered info about my family's medical history. Tomorrow I am having a physical at the doctor's office. I have gathered all the financial information that I knew and didn't know that we had. I have scheduled meetings and appointments for asap. I have filled out paper after paper after paper. I am not usually this available, from work, and other stuff, but for some reason the past few days, I have been. All I can say at this point is that after all this paperwork and all these tasks I have completed, there is still one that is the most daunting for me..... the self-study. I will speak on it after I finally finish all 10 pages of essay style questions and answers.

Last night, we went to a transracial play group. For those of you who are wondering what in the heck that is....don't feel bad, I thought the same thing. It was actually pretty neat. Parents who have adopted transracially (meaning that the parents are one race and the child is another) come with their adopted children and biological children and they all play together while the parents and other couples who are in the process of adopting interact with the children and with other parents. There was a girl named Heather there who gave testimony of her experience growing up being biracial and being adopted into a white family. I loved her honesty so much. She did not make it sound all pretty and perfect. She gave a very real picture of what her life was like, what she wishes could have been different and advice she gives all parents who adopt transracially. A major theme of her talking was that she encourages all adoptive parents to educate their children about who they are and where they come from, instead of trying to hide it or pretend like they aren't different.

There was one little boy there named Carter who Eric and I affectionately renamed 'the mac daddy' of the group. He was around 4 or so. He would go around to all the other little girls and try to flirt with them and then run away as if he was trying to act like he didn't care if they noticed him or not. It was so cute! I'd say the night in general, if nothing else, really warmed my heart to see these kids flourishing and growing up in an atmosphere that they probably wouldn't have had a chance at if their parents had not adopted them. I also just looked at them and thought about how each one of them will most likely have the opportunity to come to know Christ personally because of their parents, homes, churches and surroundings. Isn't that so glorifying to God??? I am so excited to be an adoptive mom. I cannot wait to meet my sweet child!

Eric Thoughts!!

2007-09-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

The journey that Mandy and I have been on over the past year has definitely been the most intense moment that I have ever had to deal with. It has definitely been a rocky road of uncertainty. I have found myself many times asking, "What can I hope for?" The suspicion of infertility and the eventual validation of that suspicion was traumatic. I realize that disappointment and the prospect of unrealized expectations occur in life, but never did I imagine that the news of infertility would be to be at a higher degree.

I truly believe that God has a plan for all of us, even the infertile. In Ephesians 1:11-12, it states, "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." How wonderful to know that our lives are not off track. Within God's plan everything fits together perfectly.

To our family and friends I want to say that we need your support, your attention, your love and to be excited for us. We have been told that this is not going to be an easy process and can be even more emotional that infertility at times. Please be patient with us. We know it is hard to understand what internal emotions we deal with on a daily basis. I know there is a child that God has picked out for Mandy and I. I am excited about that.

its official...

2007-09-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

....we have started the adopotion process. Yesterday was our Orientation with Bethany Christian Services for the infant adoption program. It was so wonderful! It seemed like all the questions we have been asking for a few months now were answered. We heard testimony from LOTS of people, about LOTS of different situations in adoption. Each story was so unique. I am again so at peace about where we are and where we are headed! It was just so sweet to see these children, in real life, with their adoptive moms or parents. I just can't wait!!

We got all our paperwork we will need to complete and kind of an idea of how things will go. Here is what is ahead, and what the whole process entails(as far as I can tell):

the paperwork- they want to know everything about us. Our financial information about our house, cars, assets, debt, checking/savings, credit checks, etc. We have to get FINGERPRINTED and have a criminal record check. Psychological, emotional and infertility evaluations are required. We must give references of people who know us and think we would be good parents....hope we can find some one! The longest portion is a 10 page self study to be completed by each of us. That thing asks questions that I am not sure I know the answers to!!!
the training- to ensure that we are well equipped iguess, they take us through 8 training classes about everything from parenting adopted children to transracial adoption. I am really excited about this part. We will go to support groups in addition to our training.
the interview- Once we turn in our paperwork, we will set up interviews with the infertility counselor and with the domestic adoption counselor, separately and as a couple.
the home visit- Then one of the social workers will come out to our home to see that we have a suitable place to raise this child. I hope size doesn't matter! We are very cozy in our home!
preferences- at some point Eric and I decide how much openness we want to have with the birthmother, what we prefer about a child (race, age, health status, etc.)
the write up- once all of the above things are complete, the director lady will write up what is our offical 'home study' and we will be placed in a pool of waiting families.
the wait- the wait can last anywhere from a few months (in some cases a few weeks) to 2 years for us to be chosen. Basically, the birthmother will be shown profiles of families who best fit with her and her baby's needs and desires. At some point she meets with us, face to face, then chooses a family to parent her child.
parental rights waived- Once we are chosen, and the baby is born, I think the birthmom must wait 4 days to sign to waive her rights as the parent in the state of tn. From that time, it is 10 days to the minute of when her rights are legally terminated. However, the funniest part is that day has to fall on a business day! So it could end up being a little more than 2 weeks, if the birthmom signs the waiver on the 4th day. She doesn't have to though. It's kinda all up to her.
the finalization- this doesn't take place until after the child has been in our home for more than 6 months. It is done in a court with a judge and everything.

I hope I am not leaving anything out.... I plan to update this blog as we go through each step, so that you all can walk through this with us. We really loved Bethany. They are really all about what is best for the child. They care for the birthmom's and the adoptive parents equally, which I think is so great. They also did a great job of educating us on friday. I am so looking forward to this! They did let us know that 50% of the time, birthmom's decide to go ahead with their adoption plan that was made before the birth....which means that 50% of the time they decide not to go through with the adoption plan and they decide to parent themselves. This was a scary thing for us to hear. We know this journey has the potential to be an emotional rollercoaster like our infertility journey has been, but....such is life! Please pray for us when you think of us; that we would give grace and love when needed, that we would be open with each other and be good communicators, that we would prayerfully make decisions and that we would continue to seek the Lord together and individually.

So....here we go.... our journey for our precious child.... BEGINS!!!!

My sweet, strong, handsome husband!

2007-09-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to announce that Eric wants to be a part of the blog! He wants yall to get real up close and personal and all in his business. We have decided that he will write in blue and I will write in orange, to distinguish who is speaking. As of lately, we have been experiencing some anxiety about starting the process.... not sure why, though. I guess it is just really scary to think of becoming a parent. What a HUGE responsibililty we are taking on. I know, i know, people do it every day. We just really want to be able to teach our child how to love and be loved well, how to be a productive little person and most importantly to come to know our faithful God. That is just so overwhelmingly scary to me! The unknown is always a little intimidating, I guess. But thankfully we have such great friends and family who are encouraging us and reminding us of God's love for us. I was reminded tonight of the fact that it is God who we are trying to follow after and He is always faithful and so we have no reason to be afraid!

We go to orientation on FRIDAY!!! We are so excited to get started with the paperwork and the homestudy process. Now we can really start blogging about the adoption. If I had to guess, Eric will be giving the facts and I will be bringing the emotion! lol. anyway, I just am still feeling so honored that we will soon be parents!

matters of the heart

2007-08-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, what a week we have had!!! I am proud to announce the birth of my beautiful neice, Aubrynne! I am so in love with her! I didn't know you could love somthing so much that just lays there and sleeps! She was born August 19, 2007 in the afternoon. Eric and I were at the hospital, just waiting, wondering how it would be.
Would we be happy? sad? emotional? hardened? Well, we were a little of all of them.... so excited and proud to be aunt's and uncle's, so happy for Bryan and Amy and for all the family, yet so so overcome with sadness in our hearts due to our infertility. We felt guilty for feeling all those emotions. We cried, we thought, we prayed. And God was faithful to send His Spirit to comfort us in our time of emotional need.

Then, we really feel that God is healing our hearts. So many people have been so wonderful to us, so loving, gentle and kind. We appreciate that more than they can know. Just when we were feeling the most healing this week of our pain from sunday, we get the news...Eric's sister is pregnant! We love her so much more than she realizes that we do. Instead of our focus being on our own infertility, God had turned our hearts to her and the situation that she is in. We are thankful that He is once again faithful. Neither of my sister-in-laws would ever intentionally hurt us and we know that one hundred percent....and that is what makes it easier to bear.

ONE conclusion of our week that we have come to is that God intends for us to have community with each other. He gave us family and friends, other believers who can help pick us up when we have been knocked down. I am amazed at how intricately he planned human life. Eric and I know that we need our friends and family in order to survive this difficult place. We are so thankful to him that we have them! \

Orientation for adoption is on September 7. 2 weeks from today!!! Please pray for us as we prepare to start this awesome journey. We Love You All.

the journey begins...

2007-08-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

God is so faithful to me, in every cirmcumstance in my life! When I was sixteen and making plans for the rest of my life, like sixteen year olds do, I never would have dreamed that I would be dealing with an indefinite period of infertility at 25 years old. I expected to be married with at child right now, being a mom, which is all I ever really wanted to do. But, of course, nothing ever turns out just like we think it will. And, I am finding that in most cases, I am glad my plans don't supercede God's. The past year has been difficult, emotionally, for Eric and I. We learned 3 or 4 months ago that we would have to do invitro-fertilization in order to conceive a child ( atleast according to our doctor.) I am starting my blog with this post because I think it is important in our journey of adoption. I know that this is so long, but like I said, it is vital in understanding where we are presently, for you to see where we've been.

Learning that we are infertile has been the most difficult and trying thing I'e ever been through. With all the ups and downs, the emotional rollercoaster of the monthly let downs. I wish I had journaled more through that time. I know I felt sadness about our inability to conceive; anger, jealousy, envy and anxiety all but took over my body! It has been difficult to see pregnant people at work in the ER, who don't want their babies, who are devastated to find out of their pregnancy, who are planning to abort or who have recently intentionally aborted. Eric and I both are very different when it comes to dealing with it, and we have frequently felt alone and isolated, even from each other.

Some verses of a song I proclaimed all the time to God: My heart is heavy and my days are long. I lift my eyes up in the night. My heart it weighs me down, but your burden is light. So Lord, come walk with me til my heart can see all the bounties that your grace can bring.... Holy Spirit, rest upon me. Breath of God, touch my soul. Come unfailing love of Jesus. Rest upon us....

So, anyways...the though of adoption enters the picture! I began to think of adoption, for no apparent reason that I recall. I know that I my first thought was that I could never be an adoptive parent, Eric could, but not me. Then I remember my heart beginning to soften to the idea that maybe adoption could be part of God's plan for us, through our infertility. I was surprised at the response my family gave. Some of them had already thought of us adopting. An old friend wrote an email of encouragement to me, and reminded me of my mission-mindedness and heart for children when I was younger, and posed the question, "Could adoption fit into this picture anywhere?" How crazy is that? So through prayer and conversation, eric and I decided that we would adopt...SOMEDAY...after all infertility treatments and everything, of course. I was introduced to Steven Curtis Chapman's story of his adopted children on his website, Shaohannah's Hope. As I read, my heart just ached for the millions of children with no home and no family. I knew this was God working in me and giving me a heart for adoption. I expressed my desire to adopt now, instead of pursuing IVF. So much more to this story, but basically, this is how we got to the place we are now. There is no real reason to believe that we cannot conceive, or will not ever conceive. However, I have never been so sure of anything I am doing in my entire life.

We have met with other couples that we know who have adopted to hear their stories and have been so incredibly encouraged by them. I am learning from various scriptures and sermons, how much God cares for orphans! I am His adopted child through Christ's sacrifice, of no works of my own. I believe that God calls us to protect the fatherless, and holds them at a high priority! Just learning about adoption is teaching me about the heart of God.

My prayer for the entire process right now is a quote that I heard Jeff Patton quote,(not sure who he was quoting). "May we remember in the dark, what we could see so clearly in the light." I pray that we will not be discouraged, as I hear that the adoption process can be very trying. I pray for the birth mom and for our future child, for her mental and emotional clarity and health, and for the child's protection.

I plan to keep this blog posted about the steps of the process, in hopes that family and friends will have an easy way to keep up with us, amidst a very busy life. But also, that someone might be encouraged by my transparency in this journey.